The Anzalones

Indoor Voice Please.

2012-01-29T20:04:00.003-05:00

Ah, kids say the darndest things is how it goes right? Or kids are just able to get away with not filtering their mouths.

I've got missy in the bathroom with me the other day. The PUBLIC bathroom. I'm just peeing.

Honest. Just peeing. She begins LOUDLY exclaiming

"Eeewww. Gross. Nasty. Peee-eewww Mama. Mama stinky poop. Yuck. Gross. Eeewww."

Loudly saying such things. Such lies. Such falsities.

Good thing she's cute. And that I've got a thick skin--which I needed to buffer up a bit while holding my head high walking out of the stall.

At Church* the other morning when it was time for the offering basket to be passed around, I dig through my purse, open my wallet and see that I have $22 in cash on hand. A shiny new $20 bill and 2 $1 bills. Well, given that we're new to this Church, and the $20 is brand new, I hand my son $2 to put in the basket which is now waiting for us.

To this he LOUDLY exclaims

"TWO DOLLARS?! THAT'S IT? That's all your gonna give 'em? ONLY TWO DOLLARS? Don't you have any more money to give them?"

Yes, all eyes on me. Cheap ass holding up the offering basket with my measly singles & nasty bathroom habits.

**Church, yes. We've been attending church on a regular basis for the past several months. It's been a big deal for me that we are not attending a Catholic Church. We were to understand that there are fairly big changes happening within the actual Catholic mass and if we were learning new things, well, we might as well learn them at a place we actually want to go.

So we've fallen, easily and seamlessly, into a very large, active, uber family oriented Methodist Church.

Gasp. Gasp. Methodist. What do we know about being Methodist? Well, nothing actually, but we know if we've met all the criteria for being Catholic, then it seems just about any one else will take us with open arms. That, and I start my "Welcome to Methodism" orientation next month.

Clue. A Boardgame. And Real Life.

2012-01-12T15:45:00.002-05:00

My children are playing nice in the family room. Until I hear lil E shrieking. She comes to find me, she's quite distraught. Tears streaming down her face, sobbing, gasping for words.

Isaac sits passively by and watches. I raise my brows at him. He shrugs.

I ask E what happens. It comes out like this:

"Isaac.....gasp....sob....my sock......gasp.....sob....my chair...."

Isaac, what happened? What did you do to her?

Well, what did she say I did? My darling son inquires.

I'm not sure what she's saying you did. I can't quite understand her. You should still come & apologize. You've obviously done something to upset her. It involves you, her sock and a chair.

Or is it Colonel Mustard with a Revolver in the Billards Room?

Oh. He responds. Well, if she can't tell you what I did then you don't actually know that I did anything wrong do you?

Well. Well. Well. I'm a bit speechless and he has a point. To an extent. Right? Or not?

He leaves the room, with an aside let me know if she tells you what I did, then I'll apologize. Oh, here E, here's your sock back.

Grrrr......

Sassy Pants

2012-01-10T19:24:00.003-05:00

Ms. Sassy Pants got herself some new sassy pants today.

Undie pants to be specific. For the record, we wear undies or underwear or undie pants in our house. There aren't any panties to be found.

I find that word makes me want to vomit. My son asked when Ms. E was going to start wearing panties. He was a bit perplexed by the answer of NEVER**. She will NEVER wear panties. Ah. Shivers.

I'm a very lazy potty-trainer. I really see no reason to do it at all with 'lil girl. She's smart, she'll get it. As of now, she tells me when she's peeing and pooping, I smile very nicely and wait for her to go get me a new diaper to change her. Yes, yes, I could seize this momentum but I'll wait to see how far she takes herself.

I did make a tiny baby step today when shopping at my favorite, I mean, only mega store today and let 'lil E pick out some undie pants. She chose Dora over Minnie Mouse (praise the Lord I'm over the M.O.U.S.E.). Got home & in her excitement admired herself for sometime in front of a floor length mirror shaking her money maker around giggling.

We did this for all 6 pairs...Isaac & I on the floor hysterical to see her shake her stuff to see the undie pants with patterns on the back. She's currently sprouting a pair on over her jammies, looking like she's one cool Sassy Pants.

** A side note, if I don't use the word "panties", how does my son know that they are what girls wear?...

Freshly Laundered

2011-12-13T21:13:00.002-05:00

I'll take a break from wasting my time searching the internet on how to salvage a freshly laundered iPod. It seems everyone else in the known universe, per Google, has been able to revive theirs....no such luck here. It's really not that big of deal, except I've given my son my old one and I can't really take it back. He's filled it with songs like Did You See Where The Cat Threw Up?, Bartleby Finkleton Will Not Take A Bath and my personal favorite (serious) Cucumber Canoe.

I can't possibly crush his spirit by requesting he surrender his new device. He walks around the house with his headphones on, jamming away, shouting orders at us--claiming he can't hear what we're saying to him (convenient). It's just too much for me to do, simply so I can listen to my most recently purchased Glee Cast singles...addicted.

So enjoy these new tunes, I'm going to submerge my iPod in a bowl of rice for a week....

Nothing Good Comes Of It...

2011-12-05T20:35:00.006-05:00

I had every intention to write to you today....something clever, something witty, something that would knock your socks off.

It typically is quite easy to do such a thing because despite what you may think about the life of a stay at home mom, I have never once found it to be dull, unfulfilling or boring. Not in the slightest. I am one of the most interesting people I know. My husband is one of the most wonderful men I have encountered. My children are 2 of the most delightful creatures to ever walk the Earth. I'm confident you agree.

That said, the reason that I am unable to provide much wit or cleverness today however is that nothing good comes from having 7 of your favorite neighbors over with 17 bottles of wine between you. You can do the math on this, right?....it's not my strong suit--I'll leave you to it.

Repeat after me:

Unless.You.Work.At.A.Bar.You.Have.No.Reason.To.Have.17.Bottles.Of.Wine.
ON.A.SUNDAY.NIGHT.

Until I'm let out of detox, Goodnight.

Neglect

2011-11-15T18:53:00.000-05:00

Yes, I realize it's been some time since I've been on here. The problem is simply that I am very adverse to doing things that I don't find enjoyable. Not that I don't enjoy writing here, I do, that's why I started it in the first place; I simply have found other things to be more enjoyable lately, to be more worthy of my time.

Don't take offense, I'm simply doing an experiment. It might be about 5.5 years late, but it's still a worthy cause. See, I'm attempting to discover if I can be a stay at home, stay at home mom. I'm really not very good at it. I need to leave the house every day, I need to get out, to do something, go somewhere, do something. I'm not very good at the just stay at home in our pajamas and lounge act. Neither are my kids. Go figure.

Anyway, what's prompting this is that I'm "losing" 2 friends this fall to relocations. When I say '2 friends' I mean to say that I'm losing my convenient people. My people who are typically easy going, carefree, ready to leave the house with a decently short notice to meet at the park, have a spontaneous lunch, swing through a Starbucks before a just scheduled play date, a beautiful afternoon happy hour while the kids play...those type of people.

So I'm trying to wean myself off of them, to see just how much I can handle alone. Now, bear in mind I don't think that parenting and being a stay at home mom is meant to be done alone, but we'll see if I can at least adapt to a lazy day here or there.

While I develop this new skill set, you can enjoy some photos...

Isms...

2011-10-19T15:58:00.002-04:00

I'll share with you some 'isms that are melting our butter over here, making our children absolutely adorable to talk to. If you don't think they are adorable then your heart is made of stone. Plain & simple.
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Isaac is really into telling stories and gauging whether the stories you tell him are legit. Part of his story telling includes guessing, except you don't actually have a chance to guess.

It could go like this:

Hey, Mama, at school today guess what my friend Nate did...

Um, he ran really fast?

No, ever mind. Don't guess. I'll tell you ok? Ok, because what I AM ABOUT TO TELL YOU IS SERIOUS AND IT HAPPENED IN REAL LIFE. TODAY. IN REAL LIFE. OK? Are you ready to hear what happened?

Yes, yes I am. Please tell me what happened in.real.life.seriously.today.tell.me.

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Edie is a delightful talker. However I'm not always clear on what she's saying. The other day she was frantic that I sing her a song (I know, right? She thinks I sing awesome). Except I didn't know what she was saying, all I was getting was something that sounded adamantly like

BABY TEA CUPS

I say those words out loud and she enthusiastically nods 'yes'. But I don't know what "baby tea cups" are or the lyrics. Best I can do is to begin singing & dancing to "I'm A Little Tea Pot". It works, she's delighted. And now frequently demands that I sign the "Baby Tea Cups" song, which is incidentally a bit difficult to perform while driving.

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She's really into tip-toeing. We are required to tip toe into and out of Isaac's school. Failure to tip toe will result in her becoming "Traffic Cop Edie", holding her hand out in the stop position shouting for everyone to "Stop" (except it comes out "Dop) and that makes it pretty darn cute.

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Sometimes when I need a few minutes to get something done around the house (like right now) I give both of my children squirt bottles with water and tell them it's ok to chase the dog & cat around. Don't judge. It's exercise for everyone.

For Dummies...

2011-10-10T11:37:00.002-04:00

I'm hoping to find a 'for dummies' book...one that explains sex & religion to children, in age appropriate ways. Like if the child is 5, tell them this, if they are 8, tell them this.

I think I'm discovering that parenting children on these big topics is going to happen when I'm not prepared, when I haven't rehearsed answers. So I need to get ready so I'm 1) not sounding like an idiot and 2) not digging myself into a hole with incorrect answers.

Here's why.

Scene 1: The Bathtub.

Mom, what are these 2 things by my penis?

What 2 things?

These right here (now, tell me you understand what he's talking about)....

Oh, those, those are (crap, what are they? They are NOT balls, not nuts, not junk, not 'the goods', we are using correct anatomical vernacular here...), oh, those are testicles. Yes, those are your testicles.

My what? Testa what?

Testicles. Did you brush your teeth yet?

No. What are testicles? Why do I have them? Do you have testicles?

No, only boys have testicles.

Oh. Well what do they do?

What do you mean what do they do? (AND FOR THE LOVE IT ALL WHY IS MY HUSBAND OUT OF TOWN?).

I mean, why do I have them and you don't have them?

Oh, well they make you a boy.

How do they make me a boy?

They just do. Brush your teeth.

Well what happens if I lose one? Or one gets cut off? Or just falls off when I'm sleeping? Will I still be a boy?

Yes, you will still be a boy.

I relay this conversation to my husband. His response? "Did you tell him they will help him make babies one day?"

NO. NO. I did not tell him that. Am I supposed to tell him that? Is that what they even do? I have no idea. I need to learn this stuff.

Male anatomy for dummies, children and mothers.
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Scene 2: Next to the Chick Fil A Drive-thru

Mom, Is that a cementery?

Yes it is.

And that's where people go when they die and they are buried in the ground right?

Yep. You got it.

So all those people are in hell?

What? No, it's a cementery, not hell. Why would you think that's hell?

Well, hell is in the ground and if those people are in the ground then they are in hell right?

No. That's faulty logical reasoning. You'll not score well on the LSAT if you continue to make assumptions like that.

What's the LSAT?

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Scene 3: The Breakfast Table

Mom, Why does the Devil want to fight with God?

Oh, he just doesn't like God. He wants people to make poor choices and God wants you to make good ones.

Ok, but HOW does the Devil fight God?

What do you mean?

I mean, does he have x-ray vision, or a web, or does he fly, or does the Devil use swords, how does he fight? What kind of super powers does he have? And does God have super powers that are stronger than the Devil, like can he move air like an air bender?

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See what I mean? I have no idea what I'm supposed to be telling him, I'm caught off guard, I'm unprepared, I'm not sure what I should tell him and what I shouldn't. I can't have him ambusing me like this.

The problem is that he's smart, he's curious and he's also not ready able to understand many of these broader concepts. Heck, most adults aren't. I don't know what types of super powers the Devil has, or what exactly testicles do but I am sensing that a crash course in sex & religion is required.

Nuts. Nuts. Nuts.

2011-09-29T09:13:00.002-04:00

Ole Lucy Lou is nuts. I mean nuts. She's losing her marbles. So I take her in the vet with a host of symptoms....

I describe her acting as if there is a thunderstorm, displaying her psycho storm anxiety even though it's a sunny day. When I tell her to go lay down she doesn't know what to do. I tell them she stands there looking confused until I grab her collar and lead her to her dog bed/or the closet where she likes to hide.

I share that what makes all of this so strange is that suddenly she snaps out of it & acts normal. Just pops back into being herself. Like psycho dog exited stage right.

I tell them about how she walks around stuck to the side of my leg, trembling, cowering, for no apparent reason. How I'm tripping over her at random times during the day when I don't expect it.

I let them know there's been a time or two when without warning she's gotten up from her dog bed and stood and peed on the floor without even asking to go to the door first.

I share with them that she's started barking randomly during the day at things she's never barked at before.

I make sure they know that on a typical walk she might stop to pee 97 times. Or at least 17....

Their thoughts on Lucy? Alzheimer's. She's becoming senile in her old age--just as people do.

So now I feel like crap. I feel bad that I'm yelling at Lucy to go away, to go lay down, to stop what she's doing. When she's acting confused and scared, well, she really is confused & scared. And it makes me feel terrible.

I also feel terrible that I'm wishing for some pain & suffering on her part--some obvious reason why putting her down would be a blessing for her. But alas, there isn't any yet.

The vet gave me a list of questions that I need to ask of ourselves on her well being--and I appreciated that he told me there isn't any judgement, everyone has a different tolerance level on what they will accept in their home and it's our call on when we think she has more crazy days than sane days....

Eeewww. So I'm trying to cut her some slack. No more yelling. No more exasperation. Patience is a virtue I've been trying to acquire--perhaps Lucy's parting contribution will be to allow me to develop some!

The Alignment of Stars

2011-09-26T18:56:00.000-04:00

Every once in awhile everyone is happy. Everyone is accomodating....to the camera. My children really are over me and the camera. It came back from repairs a whopping 6 weeks faster than quoted. I needed to test it out, to feel the improvements. The kids, they agreed.

The Sweetness of a Sweet Girl

2011-09-22T12:01:00.002-04:00

Lil E turned 2 yesterday. 2. 2.

A little girl who shrieks for no reason, who spontaneously breaks into song & dance, somersaults when the mood strikes her, climbs ladders, walks up slides, stomps in puddles, walks around the house with a phone propped under her ear, cares for her babies, demands being the center of attention, already rides a scooter and big wheel bike and cries for her brother every day at school drop off.

A little girl with the most delightful high pitched voice, who walks around the house with freshly painted nails touching things gingerly so not to ruin the polish, who loves loves loves trying on all her clothes & shoes, but hates for her hair to be brushed.

A little girl who is tough--unusually tough, with an unreal tolerance for pain, a girl who wants desperately to play ball with her brother and wears his old soccer cleats to all of his games on the off chance she'll be called in to run with the boys, a little girl who has more skinned knees than I thought possible, a little girl who has a wonderfully welcomed ability to sit still and cuddle, to snuggle under a blanket and just be together watching her beloved Mickey Mouse.

So we've got on our hands a wonderfully delightful sweet little girl who won't be little for that much longer. She weighed in at a whopping 24# (20%) and 34.5" tall (75%). A bit perplexing that these measurements put her on track to be 5'7. It would appear that my children will all be taller than I am (wheew).

Still Not Seeing It

2011-09-12T20:46:00.001-04:00

I still don't think they look alike at all...

Three moments from today I'll let you in on:

1) A neighbor new puppy (big puppy) was all over 'lil E. With complete authority, hand on her hip, finger waving at the pooch she shouted NO NO PUPPY. It was rock solid authority. Especially as she's got 1 more week in the under 2 camp.

2) At same neighbor's house, 'lil I is hit in the face with a swinging stick. Saw it happen, did a silent gasp...and then I waited for his reaction. Another parent remarks about what Isaac is doing--clutching his face and breathing deeply. He is not crying, or shrieking in typical fashion. I finally ask on his well being, only to see him wipe both eyes with the back of his hand and tell me he's fine. I comment on it later at bedtime--noting that I'd seen him get hit and make sure he's ok. His eyes well up with tears as he tells me that it 'hurt really really really bad' but that he 'didn't want anyone to see him cry about it'....it broke my heart a little bit because it is ok to cry if you're hurt...and it's sad that peer pressure to not show your emotions has reared its head.

3) I rocked Rapid Rise Yeast Dinner Rolls tonight. I did learn it's not wise to work with 5 cups of flour while wearing black. Nevertheless, my mission to conquer bread baking lives on.

A New Season

2011-09-09T12:30:00.002-04:00

I am a pretty decent cook. When I say that I am actually being modest about my abilities.

I am NOT however a baker. I CAN bake, I'm just not interested in being precise with my measurements.

I have decided to change this and embrace something new this fall season. Specifically, I am going to fully master yeast.

Yes, that's a random thing to choose isn't it? Yeast. Not on the top of everyone's radar, yet now it's my new focus.

I am going to become a master bread baker. I started with this Cinnamon Sugar Pull Apart bread.

It really wasn't hard, it was just time consuming. Not active time consuming, but the 'do this, then wait 60 min, then do this and wait 30 min' was a bit tedious....but when I placed it in the oven and the smell of melted butter and sugar and nutmeg and cinnamon began filling my house...it was worth it.

When my son woke up this morning with eyes wide, asking what on earth I was baking that smelled so delicious I knew that my new mission to conquer breads is a worthy one. A memory making one.

My next attempt with yeast will be a Challah bread this weekend. I'm a quick learner, I can go from novice to braiding dough easy peasy right?

I'll keep my windows open on Sunday so you can get a whiff of the tasty goodness in store for us...

6 Little Words

2011-09-06T08:13:00.002-04:00

Little E has been working her way up to bigger & bigger sentences. When I left on Thursday she was doing 4 word sentences like

"Molly no no outside."

I returned to a whopping 6 word sentence

"Cows eat grass Edie eat pizza."

If you've heard her talk you know that 'pizza' comes out 'Pee Bah' with complete enthusiasm. The girl dances for Peebah. She'll dance in front of the oven

"Peebah Peebah Peebah I do I do I do Me me me Peebah Peebah" over and over...

Fabulousness

2011-09-01T16:19:00.000-04:00

I walk around the house gathering up the things I will need on my long weekend trip to Madison (without husband or kids (gasp)) it dawned on me that in the 11 years since I have graduated college(gasp again) that I am infinitely more fabulous now than I was then.

No, I'm not saying this to blow smoke up my own hiney, but in seriousness. Because it's true.

I am more fabulous at 33 than I was at 22. Plain & simple.

I'm also fairly confident that if I walked into my old sorority house & shared this revelation with a room full of 20-22 year olds they would think I've gone off my rocker.

I'm not sure how I could articulate to them that the feelings of invincibility they have as college kids is nothing to how they will feel 10 years from now if they are as fortunate as I am.

So I'm revisiting my Mecca with the following under my belt

a 12 year relationship with Mr. A that grows stronger each year,

that I've created 2 of the most beautiful people to ever walk the Earth,

that I've created a home for us wherever that may be,

that I am able to develop relationships and sustain friendships across time and distance

and that for goodness sake I am a more beautiful and physically fit person than I was at 22.

I can't possibly imagine how much better it will all be when I'm 40...which is obviously looming on the horizon. Please remind me to read this post when I'm 39.

Until then, in the immediate short term I am not going to dwell on the closing of the Angelic Brewing Company, home of my most favorite French Dips, but instead am going to sit on the Terrace, have a beer, relax and try to decide when we should introduce our kids to the Badgers.

Sha'za'am

2011-08-31T20:11:00.000-04:00

As Isaac is telling us all about his plans to become a ice-cream maker & invent new flavors when he lives in Colorado as a grownup and Edie shots "get me, get me" in the background, it's easy to see why I'm convinced I'm the most fortunate person alive!

Dress up...

2011-08-29T15:49:00.001-04:00

How much fun is it to play dress up with your Grandmother's jewelry & purses?

A Situation Not Handled Correctly

2011-08-16T15:56:00.001-04:00

10 days ago we left to go out of town....

I lined up animal sitters, mail gatherers, plant waterers, dog companions and the like.

Upon returning home I realized I hadn't handled the situation correctly, with my usual foresight.

I neglected to tell the animal sitter that the trash would need to be taken out on Tuesday. We came home to a reeking garage.

Now, one could expect a bit of common sense on this and I think I do have reason to have assumed that the sitter would have noticed other trashes being taken out and done the same to ours...but that's neither here nor there. I wasn't specific, it didn't get done.

I neglected to also mention that in case of a storm and power outage to double check the deep freezer--as it's the first thing to get tripped and not reset unless you do it manually.

This also contributed to the foul smell in our garage. Now, of course one cannot predicit power outages, but I was receiving text messages from my fine county notifiying me that severe storms were in the area, I could have deducted that power could go out and notified the sitter to check the deep free. I did not however.

I'm slightly annoyed at what I neglected to do because in the past I have listed these things as part of the expected/and to be paid for duties.

What I could not predict, nor have given any instructions on is something that I discovered yesterday--at least 10 days after the fact.

Now, before I tell you what it was, I want to preface this by saying that I rarely, I mean rarely, go up to the 2nd floor of our house. It has a guest bedroom, bathroom and a 1,000 sq ft play room. It's the domain of children and men. I keep my company on the first floor.

Yesterday I was bringing up our luggage to store in the attic when I noticed a most foul smell as I climbed the steps. Using my nose as a compass I found myself in the guest bathroom where I discovered that someone (most likely my son, but at this point I haven't questioned the other remaining toilet-trained member of our family (Mr. A)) pooped in the toilet AND DID NOT FLUSH IT.

10 day old poop. In my civilized house.

I immediately flush the toilet, instantly realizing my mistake of not shutting the lid first as rank fumes begin filling the air making my eyes water and my stomach churn.

Once I am able to recover my senses, I find myself staring at a toilet with clear water and SHIT STAINED PORCELAIN.

Repeated flushes reveal that a fine skim layer of crap sediment is affixed inside the toilet bowl. Unsure of what to do, I simply dump an entire bottle of bleach in the bowl, shut the lid, close the door and walk away where it remains in this state today, as we speak.

It was only later, after I hung up the phone with my husband, in an "OMG You Will Never Believe This" call that I realize I made one huge, one fundamental mistake:

I should never have told Mr. A about it at all.

I should have let HIM discover it. It's his domain up there. He uses that bathroom 1,000x more than I do. He should have had the joy of discovering it. He should have the joy of taking care of it.

Because do you know what he said when I told him about it?

How are YOU going to clean it?

Finder's Keepers.

Now, to be fair, that's exactly what I would have said to him if he had been the one to make such a discovery. And that's precisely my point. This is a situation not handled correctly at all.

Now I know: Walk away from all rank smells.

The Splitting Of Hairs

2011-07-26T23:04:00.003-04:00

I can tell that my wit and quick thinking will prove to be a very valued trait in the years to come with my son. I just need to develop it further to keep up with him...

Something along these lines happened:

Isaac, your room is a mess. You're not doing anything remotely fun until your room is picked up.

SOB.

I'll help you, we'll do a fast, 1 minute clean up together when you're done complaining about it.

WAIT. WAIT WAIT MOMMA.

My room isn't messy at all.

It's not?

No. Is the only reason you think it's messy is because my toys, books and clothes are all over the floor?

Ah. Yes that is exactly the reason why I think your room is a mess.

He begins pushing me out the door...go go go Mama, I can do this all by myself. I'll come get you to show you when I'm done ok?

Sweet. Loving this sense of responsibility and taking pride in doing the job himself...

He comes to find me, entirely impressed with himself, scarcely able to contain himself as he flings the door open wide to show me how well he's clean his room....

BY PILING EVERYTHING ON TOP OF HIS BED.

See? My room is clean now right? You said it was only messy because everything is on the floor, now it's not, so it's clean and we can play.

Mean Girls & How To Clear A Pool

2011-07-19T15:33:00.003-04:00

I had heard a remark about a girl in our neighborhood--a little girl--described as 'mean.' I didn't really think anything of it, really, how 'mean' can a little girl be right?

Well. Well. Well. I witnessed it for myself. In action.

Her target? My son.

So help me I was exasperated by her. At the same time, I was so proud of my son for using his words, coming to tell on her (ok, normally, this would be annoying, but it took every inch of my will power not to hoist her out of the water and, well, I'm not sure what, maybe toss a copy of Queen Bees & WannaBes at her and tell her to give it to her mother), that I wanted to let him know that telling on someone repeatedly in this situation was ok with me:

I hear you, I see her, I see what's happening, you need to ignore her, you need to swim away from her, you need to stay on the other side of the pool.

Oh, hold the phone, little girl is coming over to tell on my son for splashing her?

Oh honey, honey, honey that isn't a good idea because I've had my eye on you.

I've heard the words you're using to him, I've seen you 'accidentally' kick him when you swim by, I've heard you taunt him, I've seen you encourage him to act out and if splashing at you is the worst thing he's done (PRAISE THE LORD) then consider yourself lucky.

So up she marches to me

Um, your son just splashed me in the face and it really hurt.

Uh huh. I know.

You do?

Yep, I saw it.

You did? He should be in time out.

Oh yeah, you can take one too then.

Why?

Cause I saw you stick your tongue out at him, heard you call him an ugly boy, and saw you 'accidentally' punch him when you swam by before you got out of the water & tossed his goggles in to the deep end of the pool.

You did?

Yep. Got anything else you want to tell on him for?

No.

Ok, then. Leave him alone, or I'll come and swim next to you the rest of the afternoon ok honey?

Son of a B was I fuming. And trying to decide at which point do you take it to the parent? Or don't you? Is it my right to go up to this girl, or any kid and let them know I don't like what they are doing? By telling Isaac to ignore her, stay away from her was I/ am I encouraging him to be passive when treated poorly?

While I was pondering all of this and plotting my next strategic move, I look down & see bits of poop floating all around me.

Poop. Floating all around me.

A glance at Edie tells me that she has crap coming up her back out of her swim diaper.

Oh fudge. Man down. Man down. I am responsible for a fecal incident in the pool.

I can tell you this, you've never seen 20 people hop out of the water faster, pack up their gear & march out the door.

Get the net, clean out the water, call the pool maintenance company, notify the POA so an email can be sent out to the ENTIRE NEIGHBORHOOD alerting them to the fact that the pool is NOW CLOSED for the evening.

I'm told that this is actually considered to be a "Humbling Parenting Experience".

I'm not humbled however, I'm waiting for the humbling to occur.

Finder's Keepers? Not So Much...

2011-07-14T19:36:00.000-04:00

We're currently playing host to this little guy (or girl, who knows? Not like it matters anyway)...

It was saved at a neighbor's house where it was precariously trapped inside a car door jam, near death. It was extracted from it's coffin by way a city police officer & another neighbor who happens to be a Labor & Delivery nurse (as in babies), with a little cooking oil and elbow grease, the kitty was freed and ended up at my house.

Oh sure, not a big deal right? Post a few pics, email the 'hood distribution list and viola, people will be flocking to get this kitten, it's free, up for grabs as we have no idea where it came from or what's it's story is (although last week an entire litter of kittens was dumped in the field behind our subdivision)....but guess what?

Turns out in a town like ours, every shelter is closed for cat drop offs. They are full. And not a single person on my email chain wanted a kitten. Let's be honest, no one wants a cat. It's when you see a kitten you decide to take one home.

After a quick round of negotiations with an area shelter, one agreed to take the kitten after I expended 1) one week of effort on my part to place it and 2) comitted to write the Mayor of our fine town a letter expressing my dismay that by good deed was being punished by my inability to to drop it off at a shelter.

Now, I know you wonder why I don't keep it? Why don't I add one more thing in the mix that requires me to clean up it's pee, poo, vomit and hair? Well, the answer to that is simple. I don't clean up after the cat we've got.

I man the dog, Mr. A is in charge of the cat, by some unspoken agreement. He said we could keep it if I'd step up to litter box duty. No can do. Kitty needs to go.

Not to mention that Ms. Edie E will literally love the kitten to death. It's been carried around by it's head far too long in the hands of that little girl (although it IS purring when this is happening).

So I found a neighbor who is willing to adopt the kitten. On August 9. When she returns from vacation. So for now, we get to enjoy a stinkin' cute kitty who is love love loving the attention, the food, harassing the cat, hissing at the dog (seriously, you're 6 weeks old your hiss is not terrifying), chasing Isaac's trains around the track...just having fun with it.

And instead of writing this, I should be drafting my letter to the Mayor--even though I didn't end up needing the assistance of the shelter, I'll still do my civic duty, and rope my friends into it as well. Because the cat could just as easily ended up at THEIR house.

A Unique Style

2011-07-13T15:54:00.000-04:00

She's started picking out what she wants to wear...usually it's her brother's tshirts that fit her like dresses and his super hero undies rather than her own bloomers.

This day was especially unique, given it was 110 degrees and fur lined winter boots and a Darth Vadar belt from Isaac's costume seemed an odd choice.

She also repeatedly says
"no no nap, no no night night, no no bed"....obviously she's not tired.

Why Don't She Write?

2011-07-09T14:24:00.002-04:00

I've neglected this. Not because I don't want, but because I just don't have the time right now.

Por ejemplo:

Yesterday:
6 am E wakes up
Breakfast
7 am I wakes up
Breakfast
8.15 am at the gym, enough time for 4 miles, stretching, weights
10 am meet friend at nature trail for hike & picinic
12:15 am, making loud noises in the car to prevent E from fall asleep
12.20, 1 block from home, Isaac spots a garage sale, asks to stop. I give him $2. He finds nothing (wheew)
12.45 E asleep, Isaac in quiet time in his room (bribed w/ the Leapster)
1.20, Isaac in my bed, watching a movie, asks to cuddle. I have to go to the bathroom, but I'm not going to be the first one to move. This is delightful cuddling.
3 pm Edie up from nap
Snacks
3.45 friend & her 3 boys over for dinner and playing
5.30 Mr. A home long enough to change before going to save the wetlands for the ducks--so he can shoot 'em later.
7.30 E in bed
7.45 I in bed
8 pm, I begin reading book #3, 700 pages, only 2100 more to go in the series
9 pm Mr. A home, spend time catching up
10.30, lights out.

That's a full day of going, play, and I really wouldn't have it any other way.

Up next: just lather, rinse, repeat.

Sun, Sun, Go Away

2011-06-27T09:19:00.002-04:00

Sun, sun, please go away. Please don't shine. I'm tired of you.

I'm tired of 95 and sunny. At least give me 95 and cloudy. That is exponentially better.

Every morning, after turning his alarm off, my husband gets out of bed, walks over to the french doors in our bedroom & looks out to see what the day will bring.

Under the covers, I roll my eyes.

Why bother? You know what it will be like. It will be 95 and sunny. It is every day.

I know I've adapted to the weather; we still play outside, we still take the dog for walks, we still go on bike rides, we swim in the pool 5 out of 7 days a week, I even run outside, in the sun.

Always in the sun.

At the start of every summer I spend about $100 on sunscreen. I then replenish my supply at mid season.

We use it all.

I have sunscreen in my car, I have sunscreen in my diaper bag, I send my son to school with sunscreen in his backpack, after having slathered it all over him before we leave the house. I use a daily body lotion that has SPF in it.

The good thing about this, is putting SPF on will be as second nature to my children as wearing a seat belt. It's just what you do before you leave the house. No one is going to blame wrinkles or age spots on me or neglected SPF applications.

But today, today I don't feel like it. Sun, sun, go away, come back another day.

Oh Be Still...

2011-06-24T15:02:00.008-04:00

Neither of my children are hurting for clothes to wear. I've actually declared a moratorium on clothes buying for them....

But when you see this darling Nicole Miller outfit as the featured 'deal of the day' on Zulily that would look delightful on your daughter

You hem, you haw. You say what the heck, it's a great value & you're already ordering your son Skecher Super Z Strap Shoes that he's been 'dying' to have, and to seal the deal, you tell a girlfriend that you're ordering....

That way she'll ask if she can put her order on with yours, thereby saving you both on shipping. And you can't cancel the order now because your friend is in the mix with it.

And then you decide you're spending way too much time anazlying a clothing purchase and that a moratorium is only relevant for current size clothes, clothing to be worn in future seasons on sale--well that's just silly to pass up.

All the while I'm thinking that this scenario is sounding vaguely like If You Give A Cat A Cupcake....well chances are....

He's 5.

2011-06-20T08:12:00.000-04:00

Wheew. There was some confusion over how your birthday party could be on a different day than your actual birthday, but it worked out to my now 5 yr old boy's advantage.

Dinner on Wednesday at a new pizza place.

Cookies to school on Thursday

Friday excitement to wake up & find his grandparents here

Saturday a Waldo themed party at our local gymanstics studio with 15 of his favorite friends

Snowball Effect?

2011-06-13T12:47:00.003-04:00

So Lucy's got issues right? Yep. Hypothyroidism ($7.40 per month), Cushing's Disease ($78.60 per month, plus $100 test every other month)...and let's now add a urinary tract infection & an ear infection.

Really? Really? Really.

Now, keep in mind, I'm choosing to NOT treat the Cushing's Disease. The symptoms of it closely mirror her thyroid issues, so one is better than nothing in my opinion. The Vet said fine, but expect to have 'quality of life' discussions within the next year...you don't die from Cushing's Disease anyway. It's not terminal, or me being cheap and nasty. Well, perhaps cheap, but not nasty.

Naturally. She's a big dog who has been around for a decade. I was expecting 'QOL' conversations anyway.

But I wasn't expecting to be known on site at the vet given our frequent visits. I wasn't expecting to be shelling out all this cash into Lucy.

No one puts their dog down because of an ear infection. That's just wrong. But is there going to come a point where I have to stop and say

'enough is enough? All the little pieces are coming part and I can no longer pay to put the wheels back on'?

What's my cost? $1,000? $2,000? Did taking her to the vet in the first place just start some kind of snowball effect that can't be reigned in? I'd really like to stop the money flowing from my wallet into the vets' coffers....

I'm also grateful that my parents have invested in long term care coverage. Imagine how awkward it'd be to have these conversations about them!!!

More Than One Way To Eat A Sandwich

2011-06-04T09:00:00.002-04:00

Lucy Lou

2011-06-03T08:47:00.002-04:00

Lucy Lou, AKA Mrs. Big Ears has turned 10.

For the past 2-3 months I've been noticing changes in her. Namely that she's drinking a LOT of water. LOTS of it. As in a gallon per day, rather than the usual gallon every 3-5 days. And she's hungry all the time. Waiting at her food dish for more food--after having cleaned up E's highchair mess.

Add in that you can see her hip bones, the bones on her lower back and that she's got a waist now, I knew it was time to go to the vet. A few remarks from friends about 'all the weight she's lost' and I made the appointment.

A friends' dog developed that same shaped body and a basketball sized tumor was discovered up in her rib cage. I did NOT want the guilt on my head that she'd be walking around in pain & suffering for any period of time.

I left the kids with a friend and drove Lucy to the vet. Fully prepared that I was going to 'woman up' and be the last face she saw when I decided to put her down.

I did start crying when the vet examined her and said a tumor on her spleen was the most likely cause of this change in body shape and excessive thirst. I cried even more when I explained that we had made a decision that we are not going to do any life saving measures on a 10 year old dog who has a life expectancy of 12. That the goal today, tomorrow, next year is simply to let her go when her quality of life has deteriorated to a point when she is no longer comfortable.

A few miserable hours later, I get a call from the vet that Lucy is NOT terminal at this point in time. In fact, she's probably not in any pain at all.

All her symptoms can be explained by Cushing's Disease (all a disease of humans!) in her liver. Rather than losing weight, she'd gained 8 lbs that had been re-distributed in the classic 'Cushing's shape'. Add in some Hypothyroidism and she's just aging normally it'd seem.

She'll continue to get narrower in her waist despite continuing to gain weight, always be thirsty, but will survive. Quality of life conversations will take place in the coming year, not necessarily because of her health condition, but because I've been told that an 85# 11 yr old dog can be a fairly unpretty thing.

As it is now, she's got plenty of energy and her usual joy of life upon being with her family, but she'd really rather lay on her dog bed in the sun and needs help getting in/out of the car.

So I spent $252.70 to find out my dog isn't in any pain and is not even suffering. As I'm sure you can imagine, my husband is thrilled, but my piece of mind is worth every penny. At least until I get pick up the estimate today on how much her medication will cost me....

Sweet Sweet Boys

2011-05-26T09:01:00.002-04:00

My husband went to pick Isaac up after school this week for me. He was gone for a REALLY long time. When they pulled in the drive, Isaac bolted out of the car with an insanely huge bouquet of wild flowers--held together by one of my pony tail holders.

Aw! What? Where did you get these?

Apparently Isaac had spent his time on the playground picking flowers for me, only to have forgotten them there. Mr. A said he was so distraught over this, they stopped on the side of the road by a field and gathered up more for me.

The thought of Isaac being so upset about it, and his daddy walking around a muddy field in his suit to help him feel better melts my heart.

Love love the boys in this house!

Tonight!!

2011-05-24T15:26:00.000-04:00

This is what we have to look forward to tonight:

A WIDESPREAD...AND POTENTIALLY LIFE THREATENING...SEVERE WEATHER
EPISODE IS EXPECTED TO UNFOLD LATER THIS AFTERNOON AND EVENING
ACROSS EASTERN OKLAHOMA AND NORTHWEST ARKANSAS. THE WEATHER PATTERN
IS HIGHLY FAVORABLE FOR LONG TRACK SUPERCELLS CAPABLE OF STRONG OR
VIOLENT TORNADOES...SOFTBALL SIZE HAIL...AND WINDS IN EXCESS OF 70
MPH. THESE STORMS WILL DEVELOP ACROSS WESTERN AND CENTRAL OKLAHOMA
BY MID AFTERNOON AND SPREAD EASTWARD DURING LATE AFTERNOON AND
EVENING.

A STRONG UPPER LEVEL SYSTEM WILL BE MOVING INTO THE SOUTHERN
PLAINS WITH AN EXTREMELY UNSTABLE AIRMASS IN PLACE OVER MUCH OF
CENTRAL AND EASTERN OKLAHOMA. SCATTERED THUNDERSTORMS ARE EXPECTED
TO DEVELOP ALONG THE DRY LINE ACROSS WESTERN AND CENTRAL OKLAHOMA
LATER THIS AFTERNOON AND BECOME SEVERE VERY QUICKLY. FORECAST
WIND PROFILES ARE EXTREMELY FAVORABLE FOR LONG LIVED SUPERCELLS
CAPABLE OF PRODUCING TORNADOES. STORMS WILL INCREASE IN COVERAGE
THROUGH THE EVENING AS THEY MOVE INTO NORTHWEST ARKANSAS WITH THE
THREAT OF WIDESPREAD DAMAGING SEVERE WEATHER CONTINUING LATE INTO
THE EVENING AND OVERNIGHT PERIOD.

ADDITIONALLY...DANGEROUS FLOODING REMAINS ONGOING OVER PARTS OF
NORTHEAST OKLAHOMA AND NORTHWEST ARKANSAS DUE TO HEAVY RAINFALL
MONDAY. ANY ADDITIONAL SIGNIFICANT RAIN WILL AGGRAVATE ONGOING FLOODING
ISSUES.

SPOTTER AND EMERGENCY MANAGEMENT ACTION STATEMENT...
ACTIVATION OF THE REGIONAL SPOTTER NETWORK EXPECTED BY LATE THIS
AFTERNOON AND WILL MOST LIKELY BE NEEDED THROUGH LATE THIS
EVENING. EMERGENCY MANAGERS SHOULD PREPARE FOR A HIGH-END SEVERE
WEATHER EVENT...INCLUDING THE POTENTIAL FOR RESCUE AND RECOVERY
EFFORTS.

A New Crush

2011-05-20T09:23:00.003-04:00

No, I'm not talking about Johnny Depp, Steven Tyler or any of my other former crushes.

This one is different. Completely different.

Troy Landry

You know him right? Swamp People on History Channel? Him. Gator Hunter Extraordinaire.

Yes, he vaguely looks like one of my uncles, but that's neither here nor there. My husband has a crush on him too. Troy, not my uncle.

I'll confess, we started watching this show as a bit of a joke. And believe me, we do get a good laugh or two in while watching, but most the time, the show ends and I want to know when I can sign up to send my son to one of their boot camps.

Boot camp isn't even the right word, 'life camp' would be more appropriate.

I find it refreshing to watch these people, in awe of their optimism, their attitude, their toughness, this complete love of life, acceptance of their way of life, sense of humor, and the list goes on & on in what is probably one of the more inhospitable places in the U.S.

So I present, my newest crush:

**I have even been able to tune my ear to understand their Cajun talk, but am appreciative of the English subtitles provided. Currently taking submissions on "Guess Which Uncle I'm referring To".

I Can Hear Everything You're Saying To Me

2011-05-14T17:47:00.000-04:00

'Lil guy got his adenoids taken out on Wednesday & tubes put in his ears. I knew this was considered a true surgery involving 'lil sized gowns, IVs and anethesia, but was pretty confident it wouldn't be that bad given that he'd be discharged the same day.

I was really unprepared for the seriousness of the hospital staff, from instructing me on waiting room procedures, given me a pager to contact me during surgery in the event of an emergency, assigning him a case number that changed colors on monitors throughout the waiting area so I could track his progress once he was taken from me, to Dr consultation rooms and on & on.

My heart stopped for a second when the waiting room volunteer came to get me to inform me that the operating room nurse was on the phone to speak to me. ABOUT WHAT? WHAT? WHAT? WHAT? Oh, you're just letting me know that he's been knocked out and is ok? Wheew. Thanks. I'm cool. I'm calm.

But all was good, all went well & everyone was so so so super nice that I've almost forgotten that 3 floors below was wear we were trapped in the ER for 4 hours for Edie's cut finger. Almost forgotten.

A friend of ours is a nurse anethesist at the hospital & while he wasn't doing Isaac's meds, he did take the time to come and see Isaac, walk him back to the OR and stay with him until he was out. His recovery nurses allowed him to have 8 popsicles and 3 jellos (please don't let them charge per each), escorted him out to the car in a wheelchair with a souvenir teddy bear.

On the drive home, after a stop at TCBY Isaac said the most beautiful thing ever:

Mama, I can hear everything you're saying to me.

Sweet Mary, music to my ears.

I Heart Cows

2011-05-09T14:57:00.005-04:00

Cows. What's not to like about cows? Nothing according to Edie E...seeing as we're surrounded by them at our house, in our town, in our state etc we see a lot of cows.

I think it's cattle to be more specific as these are eating cows, not milking cows. Actually I have no idea what's the difference between cattle and a herd of cows, mental note to google this right after I finish looking up the cause of death for George Washington (Isaac's request, he's really into knowing how all the Presidents on money have died)...But that's besides the point. Anyway, Edie's first 2 word sentence was

"Hi Cow"
Followed next by
"Bye Cow"
Blowing kisses to the cows soon followed.

The girl has an amazing eye to spot the creatures as well. Granted, she confuses the occasional horse for a cow, but all in all she's got a cow radar that rivals any herding dog.

Keeping this in mind, we were completly confused last week after leaving the Orlando airport--cruising down the Florida Turnpike, Edie is waving and blowing kisses to cows right and left.

Except there weren't any. Anywhere. Not a single cow was within sight. Obviously the poor girl is delusional from lack of sleep, time changes or just enjoys hearing herself talk about cows.

Until we're waiting at a toll and she begins flipping out yelling COW COW COW over and over.

Edie! There are NOT ANY COWS ANYWHERE! Enough with the cows already!

And then, then we see what she's pointing at...all the billboards for the new Sea World One Ocean show...silly girl.

A Week In Orlando

2011-05-09T08:51:00.000-04:00

What better way to spend my 33rd birthday than a week in Orlando with two of the most beautiful children in the world? Disney, Sea World, Gatorland, shopping, eating, swimming, splashing, daily naps for everyone, sleeping in (yes, gasp!), sitting on alligators, feeding sea lions & rays, watching Edie try to see her feet over her big belly, Isaac riding monster roller coasters & transforming into a dragon for a day....

Easing In, or Easing Out?

2011-04-26T15:39:00.003-04:00

I'm not sure why if I'm bothered by what we did this weekend...or not.

We went to a Methodist Church for Easter service. Contemporary services no less.

Yes. Gasp. Shock & Awe will soon follow.

We left an active Catholic community in Columbus. Here, not so active. We're in Baptist country now. We've got a sprinkling of 2 Catholic churches in the area and they just aren't happening places--for kids or for adults.

Following the Baptists, the Methodists, Presbyterians and Nazarenes are all about equal in numbers with Catholics & Lutherans operating the low end of the totem pole, behind non-denominational Christian.

We've talked about not being Catholic while we're here. Many of our friends have made the Southern Switch as I'm calling it, moving on to one of the other churches just to be involved.

But but but, it's just been brainless that we're going to be Catholic. It's all either of us have ever known...and we've also not been active members for the bulk of our adult life. Isaac goes to Sunday school, yet we don't attend church services....

I keep hearing about all these family things, all these socials, all these kids ministries and events and on and on and on that we finally surrendered and went with our friends to their Methodist church on Easter.

1) Our church was not offering nursery services. The idea of sitting with both my children for 60-90 minutes in a pew, making them be quiet sounded like torture. Their church was offering nursery services for babies and toddlers, children's church DURING regular services AND Sunday school lessons following services for children and a 'happy hour' with breakfast & coffee for adults while the children were in classes.

2) They had a band. Yes, I know. A band. With drums. Honestly, I can't get behind that quite yet. But Isaac was MESMERIZED by the music.

3) You could drink beverages during services & talk. Quietly, but chitchat was acceptable. Mr. A reported being distracted by a man with a Starbucks and a family catching up during one of the (numerous) songs.

4) You didn't have to get there an hour early to get a seat. Rather, people sauntered in about 1 minute before services began.

5) The Minister (is that what he's called?) didn't take himself too seriously either. I believe he even used the word TaDaa in listing possible outbursts Jesus could have had to his followers upon revealing he'd risen from the dead.

6) My son asked to go back there. Yep. Honest. He even asked to stay for Sunday school lessons after services where I'm told he was the only student to correctly answer "what is the real meaning of Easter" (which DID prompt responses from his instructors that the Catholics might be doing a better job in their lessons). That aside, HE ASKED TO GO TO CHURCH.

When he spoke those words aloud, a quiet filled the air. Mr. A and I looked at each other confused. Is this possible? Is this was it's all about? Getting a little religion without dragging your kids kicking and screaming, or dreading making them mind during mass (good for you if your kids do-seriously)?

Could we stop being Catholic? Even if it's just temporary? But what if we do and it's not temporary? Is there some secret pecking order I'd be missing out on when I'm at the Pearly Gates? Or does God just plain not care what we call ourselves as long as we go to SOMETHING?

Not What It Appears To Be

2011-04-21T15:09:00.000-04:00

Now I knew when a large box arrived from my parents that the odds were good that it wasn't the 2 drawer filing cabinet that was pictured on the outside.

I knew, given the upcoming holiday, that it was a package of Easter goodies. I was mildly concerned give the size of the box that it might contain a few of the Breyer Horses left over from my childhood they keep threatening to send to me.

I was however very frightened when the first thing that I pulled out of the box was Spot. Spot the dog. He's pictured below, in the middle, by Ann & Andy.

Spot is going on 33 years old and I can't comprehend why on Earth he was moved around from place to place with us for the past 2 decades that he's been untouched. Yes, yes I know I loved him once. I know I couldn't go to sleep unless he was next to me, facing the doorway for protection.

But, but....I mean, I don't even want to touch him--despite my mother's promises that she really did indeed pay $25 to have him dry cleaned before she sent him to me and BY GOD IF SHE STORED HIM FOR ALL THIS TIME I BETTER FIND A PLACE FOR HIM IN MY HOME....but.

I will. I will find a place for my formerly beloved Spot--as soon as I get more Lysol.

Next out of the box, I was afraid.

Afraid that my sister was going to be pissed. Angry that my mother had accidently sent ME, her formerly beloved Raggedy Ann & Andy Doll (because surely this is a box that should be titled "all your old stuff is coming to your house now"....

Nope. Imagine my surprise to find out they are brand spankin' new for Edie. Given that they are currently 12" taller than her, I'm sure she won't be afraid at all to see them staring at her while she sleeps.

Next up: a dead duck. A taximdermied duck, but still a dead duck. I mean nothing, nothing says "Welcome Home" better than a dead animal on display. Isaac & the cat are gonna love it.

Toss in a kite, a Dancing Bunny (everyone needs a dancing bunny after all) a "Where's Waldo" Book, a coupon for Hormel Pepperoni, a bag of chocolate and some cards and you've got yourself one very eclectic Easter basket.

Thursday Night Lights

2011-04-17T15:30:00.000-04:00

Keep your eyes on number 4. If you miss anything, his sister constantly tweets updates...

Randomness

2011-04-12T15:53:00.003-04:00

A recap:

1) I've put up 12 gallons of paint on my first floor thus far. 3 more gallons remain and I'll call it quits. This is one task that I'm doing solo. A color blind husband makes a poor painter.

2) Edie's discovered her eyebrows and all the facial expressions she can make by raising them up and down or by squishing them together. She has one of the fierciest 'hairy eyeballs' I've ever seen.

3) And it is officially official. Isaac can't hear. Yep. Mystery solved. Come May 11, popping in tubes, pulling out adenoids and cauterizing his nose to make nosebleeds stop. One point of concern--ENT mentioned that while he's NEVER had it happen, a serious and permanent side effect of adenoid removal is the potential for his voice to change. Permanently. As in for good, he could end up with nasal speak (think about the nasal sound/voice a deaf person has who speaks)...

4) You know you have good friends when they come over to your house and look all over, even under beds & mattresses for large hairy bugs that might jump out at them (think Arachnaphobia here). Why was this necessary? Well, ole Isaac woke up from his nap yesterday hollering about his legs itching. I stripped him down to his Superman undies to discover 4 DOLLAR BILL SIZED angry, bright red, raised hives on his groin & lower waist area. My first thought was that it looked like something was in his bed, crawled up his shorts and walked around chomping on him. Yikes.

5) He was given a 'scrip for a steriod to make the hives go away...a 'scrip that came with the note "you don't want to give this to him around bedtime, it'll really wire him up."....um, a glance at the clock tells me it's currently 5.55. Bedtime is in 1 hour....great.

6) He proceeded to run around the backyard in his underwear, chasing flies with a baseball bat, yelling ninja chants. For an hour. Wow. WOW. It's been suggested I take him to an allergist. Boy, I hope he turns out to be allergic to cats & dogs...

Isaac isms Part 3

2011-04-01T14:24:00.003-04:00

1)Mama, do beautiful ladies ever make poor choices?

Um...yes, beautiful ladies can make poor choices. Why?

I saw a beautiful lady and she was smoking a cigarette.

Oh, well that's terrible. She should know better shouldn't she?

Yes, I thought she would know better because she's beautiful.

RANDOM comment is it? I was actually hoping to catch a glimpse of this beautiful lady to see her for myeslf...only out of concerns on what Isaac is describing as beautiful. In the past he's focused on bleach biker blondes in leather riding Harleys....

2) Isaac what are you eating?

Oh, some magic bubble gum.

Really? Where did you find magic gum?

It was on the ground at Walmart.

Ewww, eeewww, eeewww. Is it wrong to pour bleach down his mouth??

3) Mama, my room would stay a lot cleaner if you picked it up more often.

Excuse me? What did you say? (Ironic as this is what HE usually says to ME)

I said, it would be really helpful to me if you'd clean my room up more often....and he has a silly grin cheese smile on his face while acting all sweet...

Shed a Tear? No, Not Here...

2011-03-31T20:20:00.002-04:00

Bright & early this morning, E & I made the trek to her opthamology checkup. I say trek, but it was only 18 miles.

And I wouldn't even be driving the 18 miles if there wasn't 1 ophthmalogist in the area that sees kids under 2. Everyone defers to him, so that's that.

Anyway, today we were going in to have the stents removed from her tear ducts--the stents keeping them open so they drain properly.

What I was unaware of, is that this procedure was going to be done while she was awake, in office.

Yes, he was going to YANK 2 inch long stents out of her nasal cavity, up through her tear duct (inside of your eye, that tiny hole, right!) while she was just calming sitting still for the procedure.

As if.

Except it's Edie.

And for whatever reason she's incredibly complacent when it comes to injuries and medical procedures.

So I sit in the exam chair, plop her upside down on my lap with her feet resting on my chest and her head held tight in the uberstrong vise of my knees, anesthetic drops sprinkled in her eyes....

.....and a very thin medical grade needle nose plier probs in the corner of her eye, into the tear opening and RIPS OUT the stent (it's about 2-3x thicker than say normal fishing line--thick enough that you'd see it laying on the floor)...best part, the bottom of it, where it dangles into her nasal cavity was covered in snot from her current cold.

Sit her upright quick as can be and she just looks around the room perplexed. And here they'd be warning me that this is a scary procedure & kids frequently become hysterical.

I don't understand how someone who is as big of a baby as I am has a child like this...

Wheels...DOWN

2011-03-29T18:07:00.002-04:00

This is Edie E on LANDING on our flight home from Vail last weekend. Not takeoff. Landing. As in, the last 5 minutes of the flight...

In other news, she's 18 months old and holding steady in the 20th percentiles. 22 pounds (20%), 31 inches talls (25%).

Me, me, on the other hand, I'm shrinking. My wellcheck last week showed I'm barely clearing the 5 feet mark....I expressed dismay at the accuracy of the measurement, only to be told women begin shrinking after 30. Nice.

A Wife & Kids...and birthday planning already

2011-03-15T13:36:00.003-04:00

For the longest time Isaac was going to marry me. He'd tell me stories about we'd do together when he was my husband when he was grown up....wonderful, delightful tales of the adventures we'd have.

This past month, he's come to the realization that he can't marry me, that I can't be his wife any more than Edie can marry Mr. A. It's kind of sad actually because all he's talking about lately are his plans for his future family.

It usually goes like this

(While driving past a boat) Mama, when I have a wife & kids I'll probably have to buy a boat won't I?

(While passing a blue truck) Mama, I'm going to have a blue truck like that when I have a wife & kids. And a transformer Corvette too.

(While talking about names) Mama, when I have a wife, she's going to have 4 kids. I'm going to name them Jake, Jacob, Molly & McQueen.

(While talking about places we'd like to visit) Mama, when I have a wife & kids I'm going to take them to Africa to see the lions in the jungle.

He asked yesterday who he'd be able to marry, after again confirming that it wasn't me...I simply explained that boys are only able to marry girls that their mamas like and that Edie can only marry a boy that we like.

Thankfully, he accepted this as matter of fact....which it is. Because she's going to need to understand that the apron strings will not be cut until I'm on my deathbed.

_____________________________________________________

Isaac is so so so into planning his birthday party...3 months from now. He's got it all figured out, it's going to be held at the local gymnastics academy and the themed is Waldo. Everything Waldo. He's obsessed with Where's Waldo...and so that's what it'll be.

Yesterday he got the phone, handed it to me and asked if he could make a few phone calls. I had no idea what he wanted to talk to people about, but seeing as he was asking nicely, I obliged.

How stinkin' cute is it that he calls phone numbers "secret codes"? Starts off asking me to dial his cousin Nate & Connor's 'secret code', followed by his grandma & papas 'secret code'...of course, NO ONE answers their phones and he followed the rules, waiting for the beep....

His messages to everyone? Why birthday party invitations of course! Even describing to the machines the theme....

Love love love it.

Well Then...

2011-03-14T15:13:00.003-04:00

We ended last week with a (another) trip to the Ear Nose & Throat Doctor for Isaac. I really think it's just a game they are playing with me...the title of it could be called

How Many Times Can You Fail A Hearing Test?
Can You Hear Me Now?
Remember To Tell Me When You Hear The Beeps OK?

It's a really amusing game where Isaac sits all hooked up to the machinery while the audiologist confirms that HE STILL CAN'T HEAR.

So we've tried the 10 day antibiotic fix, now we're on the 30 day Nasonex fix before we return to the ENT to decide if Isaac should have his adnoids removed in addition to tubes placed in his ear.

The downside of all of this, no, not the $2,500 it will cost me out of pocket, but that he can't have untreated water in his ears (E too as she still has tubes in), so no lake, no ocean, no mudpuddles (yes, this is valid) without ear plugs.

I'm thinking about making him a sign that says he can't hear so everyone will cut him some slack. We were at dinner on Saturday night with another family and after repeatedly asking Isaac to pass me something & him responding "What?" over & over I finally got up to get it myself to the confused look of the other parents at the table. Which, in reality I should have gotte up in the first place.

So for the next 30 days I get to inwardly chuckle at him ignoring me and asking me to repeat things while I wonder if this hearing loss isn't actually serving him a purpose afterall...

Love Him Love Him Love Him

2011-03-08T09:14:00.000-05:00

How in the world am I going to allow him to leave my house in 14 years?!

Week In Review

2011-03-03T22:19:00.002-05:00

Monday: 8.30 am. Isaac doesn't pass hearing recheck test. Referred to ENT. Spend rest of morning at Dr's office getting meds for his sinus infection. Come home. Make lunch. Head to ER.

Yes. To the ER. Again. Why?

Well, I'll tell you why, first hand, because I was standing right there and that's why it's called an accident....Lil E is carrying around a framed picture going "Papa, Papa, Papa" over and over (yes, I'll send him the bill), when suddenly, the entire back of the frame slides out, glass with it, slicing from her ring finger across to her pinky.

Isaac is a rockstar helper running to get me everything I'm asking for because I'm a bit perplexed about how to get her to the ER for stitches as driving will involve letting go of her hand and she's bleeding profusely.

Suddenly, I flash back to MacGuyver...

I layer dishcloths & ponytail holders over her hand & cap it all over with one of Randall's socks and more ponytail holders securing it all tight. It was awesome & able to be performed with one hand.

It must have been such a great bandage that that is the reason why the ER staff left it alone and did not do ANYTHING FOR US besides weigh the baby for the first 3 hours we were there.

4 hours. 8x8 cell. Me. Both kids. During nap time.

Yea, Papa has some 'xplainin' to do.

Tuesday: E & I kick it around town.

Wednesday: Park fun with friends

Today: Pick up Isaac from school, get a note from his teacher that reads: "Isaac had a really good day today, except him, G, C, P, L and L were all sent to the Director's Office for a conversation about their language".

Wait. I, G, C, P, L and L?

That's every single boy in his class. All of them were in trouble for potty mouths.

By that I mean, calling each other 'poo poo head choo choo butt butt underwear face' until you're so over it that you want to scream. I'm over the potty words so hopefully Ms. Director instilled a little bit of fear in them about it.

Friday: Rainy days usually mean a trip to Jump Zone or Chucky E Cheese. We'll see what tomorrow brings.

Saturday: Date Night at a local Montessori school Art Experience. Salty ticket prices, however my friend is the organizer and she's informed me that it's the annual cost of our friendship. I view it as an opportunity to treat myself to a new dress and shoes.

I'm hoping for a relaxing, uneventful Sunday....

MM: An Update

2011-02-27T18:00:00.003-05:00

I think the next logical step in my life must be to become a serial killer.

Right? I mean, torturing small animals, like cats, is how most of them start off isn't it?

Yesterday, upon picking Molly Meowy up from the vet, 3 of us were in tears. Me, Isaac & Edie.

Edie for completely unrelated reasons, namely wanting to play in the cat bubbling water fountain conveniently placed on the floor.

Me, because I felt like the biggest POS ever in that I knowingly, and purposely, choose to inflict considerable pain & torture on to this cat who I obviously do like.

Isaac, because he saw my reaction and began sobbing repeatedly is she going to die?

It only got worse as the day went on, as I watched her hobble around my house, knowing full well that she was in pain, yet bearing it the noble way that animals, not humans do. So I found myself sick to my stomach at what I'd paid good money to be done. And resolved that if, if, if we ever get another cat, it will need to be a cat that is declawed, on someone else's dime, on someone else's agony, on someone else's conscious because I'm sick to my stomach over it.

And yes, I just might let her sleep on the bed again...

Ignorance IS indeed, Bliss

2011-02-24T08:11:00.004-05:00

Typically I believe in empowering myself with knowledge, with the facts...in the case of declawing Molly Meowy, education is not empowerment.

We liked Molly Meowy--well, as much as anyone can like a cat--because let's be clear, you usually don't see people hoarding dogs. People hoard cats. That's why anyone that exclaims oh, I love cats has something wrong with them. Good odds in their old age they'll collect a few of them...

Anyway, we liked her enough to rescue her from cat hoarding owner who had 85 cats and let her come & live the life of kitty luxury here with us.

Claws, no problem. We'll take 'em out. Everyone gets their indoor cats declawed right? Well, at least in the US where it's legal. Most of the rest of the developed world considers declawing extremely inhumane--to be performed only under extreme circumstances--and in many instances it is illegal for vets to perform the procedure.

A bit confused about this, I research further and discover that declawing is not simply the yanking out of the claw, but the trimming of the actual bone, an amputation of each toe at the first joint, the literal cutting of the finger tips off.

Good God. I can't do that to the cat, that's the most barbaric thing I've heard of (concerning cats).

So I pull out the stops, I weekly trim her nails. WOW. That's fun. I've spent a small fortune on scratching posts (which she adores), my furniture is misted with Scratch Not (don't waste your money), and leather goods are covered with double sided cat sticky tape to keep her off (and anyone else who doesn't want to risk being velcroed to a chair)....earlier this week we pulled out of best last ditch effort.

We glued Soft Paws on each of Molly Meowy's claws. It was probably the most fun I've had ever. She fought it, she was angry, she was so stressed she began dumping massive amounts of hair all over Mr. A who had the joy of wrangling her.

The best part? They last 4 weeks. Once a month, over the next 15 years? Forget it. The vet said they'll put them on for me monthly at $10 a pop--you pick the color.

Damn Gina.

Enter declawing on the scene.

Go on & try to find a vet that will declaw an ADULT cat. My vet really wanted to know if it was a matter of life & death (as in MM being evicted, or me having some illness where a scratch actually is a serious thing)....Um, no it's not life or death for me, but seeing the destruction on leather goods in this house, someone needs to pay.

The vet then recommended I find someone who will perform the procedure with a laser, not a traditional hacksaw scapel.

Google, google, google turns out that this type of surgery is indeed heaven sent, provided one can afford it as estimates online ranged from $150-450 depending on your region.

Well, I can. I found a special cat clinic that has this pricey laser and it's the only way they'll perform a declawing...the cost: $5 more than my vet wanted with a knife. Hip. Hip. Hooray.

And so MM is going under the beam Friday morning. It's only setting me back $125, and in the interest of guilt over feeling the need to vomit when I think about what I'm doing to her, I've sprung for a $27 pain patch to be applied to her belly to distribute drugs to her over 5 days.

T-24 hours until amputation. I like that annoying kitty more already.

**As an update to those following the water gun, bedtime saga....we sleep in peace now. 1 additional night of cat training was required. MM doesn't touch us anymore. She's moved on to Isaac's room. How? Turns out she can pogo stick up and down and open up my lever door handles to let herself in rooms....and that must have been the reason why my son & the cat set off the burgler alarm at 5.15 am this morning when they opened the door to the backyard because "Molly Meowy wanted to look at the stars."....uh huh. Love the kitty.

Buh Bye Babies...

2011-02-22T13:59:00.001-05:00

There is not an article of clothing in this house that is too small for the kids to wear. I offloaded 8 sterlite bins of baby clothes to our local Helping Hands.

It was appalling to note that 7 of the bins were for Edie. All 0-12 months. Yikes.

I'll be honest, this was hard for some reason. I'm not entirely sure why either.

I give my sister Isaac's clothes and I don't cry about it. It makes me happy to see her son(s) wearing a shirt that used to be a favorite. It's adorable.

Maybe it would have been easier if I would have put these baby clothes directly into the arms of a grateful family than just giving them to some punk kid working at the donation center.

All this did was raise questions of do we/don't we want any more children. I don't. My husband doesn't. So why on earth are these tiny little clothes so powerful? The conversation went something like this:

Me: Let's have another baby.

R: Why?

Me: Because look at all of these baby clothes.

R: You want another baby so you can play dress up?

Me: Um, yea?

R: No you don't.

Me: I know I don't. But. But.

R: Did you want another baby when the clothes were packed away in the closet?

Me: No.

R: So getting the clothes out of the closet makes you want another one?

Me: Not really, but kinda because we have all of these cute clothes.

R: So if I pack the clothes away back in the closet you'll immediately revert to being content with 2 children.

Me: Yes. Absolutely yes.

R: That doesn't make any sense.

Me: It doesn't have to.

R: Ok, you do what you need to do. Get rid of them now, or put them back & get rid of them later.

Me: Sigh. Fine.

**Note, at this point in time, I'm irritated with his ability to make my line of thought seem completly ridiculous.

I'm done. We're done. Clothes are gone. No more babies here. They wouldn't have anything to wear anyway.

Can You Hear Me Now?

2011-02-14T21:21:00.003-05:00

I HAVE BEEN YELLING A LOT LATELY.

And not out of anger, out of my son asking me to constantly repeat myself, or him just plain & simple ignoring me.

What was really perplexing about this is that I wasn't always being a meanie pants (his words, not mine) to him. I'd be asking him if he wants ice cream and I'd get NO response. Fine, forget it, you don't want to answer me, you don't get any right?

Well, let's add in him turning the volume on the TV up HIGH, always asking for the radio to be louder or presenting me his ear for me to speak directly in to....

And it all adds up to an audiology appointment this morning....

You know it's not going to be good when the audiologist prompts several times

You remember to tell me when you hear a beeping sound right?

And your child responds with

WHATDIDYOUSAY?

So Isaac Nathan fell outside the acceptable hearing bands and has hearing deficiencies equivalent to walking around all day with your fingers plugging your ears.

What? I SAID ISAAC CAN'T HEAR SO HOT RIGHT NOW.

Oh, wait, I get it, you're reading this; shouting won't help you.

Good news, some electrical impulse test showed that the nerves in his ears aren't damaged.

It's fixable.

The culprit--standing, undraining fluid behind his ear drums. It needs to be suctioned out, cleaned up, pop some tubes in his ears and viola, instaneously repaired hearing.

Huh right? Easy breezy. What? I SAID....oh forget it. Until then, I'm to cut him some slack because he legitimately can't hear me. Once repaired, he won't have a valid MEDICAL reason to ignore me...

Yea, Last Night. It Happened.

2011-02-14T10:14:00.003-05:00

Picture this:

Early morning, handsome husband preparing coffee. I walk in the kitchen, on Valentine's Day to hear him remark

Uh, dude. Did last night really happen?

I respond

Oh, do you mean, did I really leap out of bed, 11 times, ninja style shooting the cat with a water bottle?

Yea. It happened. (Series of expletives here) Cat isn't going to be creeping on my head anymore. War is declared.

Husband: Uh, ok. How did that work out for you?

Me: Just fine. I noticed she started moving in on you. So I went to sleep. Get your own water bottle for tonight.

Dead serious he says: Do we have an extra one for me or should I stop & get one?

Let me preface why it has come to this. I'm an insomnic. I can function, happily, with 5 hours of sleep. Mess with that 5 hours, allow me to only get 4 hours and 58 minutes and I'm not pleasant. I'm high on coffee, I'm crabby, I'm impatient....

The past week that cat has chased me from my bed. I've had to hide from her in the guest bedroom so I can get sleep.

HOW RIDICULOUS IS THIS?

But I simply cannot tolerate her jumping on the bed, grooming herself, trying to sleep on the pillow, tryin to claw her way under the covers with me. I can't. I can't. I can't.

Enough is enough. War is declared. The bed is sacred. I get this will be a challenge, because when I'm laying in bed reading or watching TV, I don't mind her snuggling with me.

But she's obviously not getting the point that night time is different...as in I repeatedly fling her off the bed, quite aggressively numerous times, disturbing everyone in the room...not to mention, I'm eventually going to launch her in to the wall and she'll be wounded. Perhaps mortally (hmm, lightbulb flashing in my brain right now).

So I spend the entire night launching her off the bed, and then constantly alert for her to jump back on the bed, so much so, that I've started imagining her on the bed and I'm bolt upright only to find that it's not her, that it was R moving, or a figment on my imagination.

Our bedroom has become a circus. An absolute circus.

So now the bed is 100% off limits. No animals on the bed. Ever. I'm armed with my water bottle and squirt gun and Ms. Kitty Kitty is getting shot at until she learns.

Even if it means I look like a complete idiot sleeping with a water gun under my pillow and ninja-ing around the room.

Bring it on Molly Meowy.

A Thread...

2011-02-10T10:01:00.004-05:00

21 inches of snow in 12 hours, some awful record set. Of the past 2 weeks, school has been in session 2 days. Not like it effects me all that much as Isaac is only 2 days per week AND his school prorates tuition for snow days, it's that when school is closed, everything is closed:

the gym
the library
stores
doctor, dentists
the mall
restaurants
banks
no mail, no deliveries
Even Randall gets trapped at home

Sure, a handful of things like Jump Zone & Chuck E Cheese stay open, but it's not just the stay at home moms looking for something to do, it's everyone in the world with children as even 99% of daycares close as well, so the handful of places to go are packed.

36 inches of snow in 2 weeks and I haven't had a plow down my street, my trash hasn't been collected since the end of January, my dog hasn't been walked in ages and on & on it goes....

65 and sunny on Saturday and I won't even mind the soggy mess my backyard will be....just let me leave the house.

So I'm forcing Edie to nap, allowing Isaac to play xBox all day and teaching myself how to crochet on the internet....until the babysitter comes.

See, I've finally wised up, if I'm going nuts with my kids, other women are too, so the neighbor girl is coming over this afternoon...except I have no idea where I'll go...hmm? Walmart? HOW BORING!!

Ah, Math. The Sweet Power of Numbers, Right?

2011-02-04T22:01:00.001-05:00

I really don't care for math. I can appreciate the power of it, but I'm not convinced that the truth is in the numbers. They're subjective anyway right?

Our numbers:

*If you read the previous post you are aware that there's been sickness in this house. Lots of it. Eyes, ears, immune systemes. All of it.

5 inches of snow this week = 5 days of school being closed. It's really truly unreal how this area shuts down. 100% lack of response to the snow, because you see, God Put The Snow There & God Will Take It Away. Hmm. Well, God gave us the ability to create snow plows and road salt too, right? So, doesn't that mean that we should use it?

Now, a think tank in Michigan, a state arguably well equipped to deal with winter storms & snow removal, has published a brand spankin' new study on the economic impact of winter storms, arguing that it cost the state of Michigan about $251 million, each day in terms of lost wages, lost production, lost revenues, and lost sanity of stay at home moms wishing their children were in school...

Ok, I fudged that last part, but come on. Michigan hasn't been shut down for a week. By shut down I mean, nothing is open. Nada, zip, zilch. Nothing. So I'm going to go ahead and project that the economic impact of not plowing roads here is higher than $251 million per day. Right...buy some plows? Moving on...

*Edie now weighs 20.4 pounds. Wow, I think my nephew might have weighed that at the 5 month mark.

So how is it that I'm told at gym pickup We just want you to know that we've been putting Edie in time out today. What? Edie? Why? And how's that working for you? Well, we can't keep her from dancing on the tables... Ha, welcome to my life.

Girl can't resist a table to save her life. Caught her on the kitchen table by way of shimmying up the chairs yesterday doing a tap dance routine all the while muttering "GET DOWN!" I'm optimistic that this is a trend she'll outgrow before she gets to college.

*50 loads of laundry. That's how many loads of laundry I did between December 27 and Feb 3. That's about a load a day. I don't keep track, my washer does and it tells me when it would like to be cleaned...every 50 loads. That's a lot of laundry.

*674 miles--the number of miles I drove my car the first month I've had it. Well below national average I'm guessing, but so is my speed...display on the car tells me I've driven an average speed of 19 mph. That's a complete waste of horsepower. I attempted to up it a bit yesterday by taking the interstate to the liquor store. I could not have anticipated my top interstate speed to be 27 mph due to road conditions. If anything, my average speed has probably gone down to like nil.

*I ran 74 miles in the month of January. With my feet. As in running running. My highest run to date is 9.5 miles. I'm increasing my distance at a rate of 1 mile per week. The Bentonville 1/2 marathon is April 1 and to be honest, it's totally in the bag. I could do it tomorrow, maybe while sleeping, if I can bring myself to pay the $50 registration fee.

I have concerns about finding the time to get in a few 10-12 mile practice runs, so I've come up with the genius idea of having my husband drop me off 10 miles from home. Sink or swim. With a cell phone for emergencies of course. Next weekend is my first test run of this plan...

So there it is. There's our math for the month. And I didn't even need a calculator.

Kicked When Down

2011-01-31T22:32:00.006-05:00

January 31, 2011:

10 am Doctor Appt for Both Kids (& yes, I claimed both of them so I'm not doing any insurance fraud today for making an appt for just 1, when both are sick).

Diagnosis: Isaac: 2 Pink Eyes, 2 Ear Infections, Flu.
Diagnosis: Edie: 1 Pink Eye, 1 Lung/Bronchial Funk

12 pm: At Pharmacy picking up FIVE prescriptions

4 pm: Edie attempts to WALK down the steps. Fails miserably. Head over heels down SIXTEEN steps, crash lands at bottom.

I believe she fell in slow motion, or at least it seemed that way as I was continually inches away from her with arms outstretched trying to grab any limb that popped up--thinking slowly & calmly, 'oh look, grab that leg, no wait, get her shoulder, shoot almost got her foot, oh her hair just slipped through my fingers' because surely I can hustle down faster than a 21 pound bouncing baby right? Not so much.

4.01 pm-7.15 pm: Edie non stop crying. The gash on her forehead from richocheting off the metal gate doesn't seem that bad now that it's stopped bleeding. She's been given her eye gel, her antiobiotic, Motrin & Tylenol....

7.20 pm: Arrive at ER. This is really really fun. Oh and look at the happy baby I brought with me. NO NO NO. Show them how inconsolable you are. Show them the misery you're in. Display something that remotely resembles the unhappy baby you were moments ago.

8.45 pm: Now we're talking. See? Look, she's miserable. Or is it because we've been locked in this room for over an hour? This was a bad idea, I shouldn't have brought her, she's fine. Let us leave....please?

9.10 pm: Arrive home with a confirmed diagnosis of the FLU. Please kick us when we're down. And LOVIN' those flu vaccines we got this fall...

Prediction Tuesday Feb 1-Monday Feb 7. City on Lockdown. All of us trapped at home from Winter Death Storm 5.0. It's not even like I could escape to W to get bread or milk...they're out:

20 Questions

2011-01-23T15:02:00.003-05:00

You know my method is not to tell an outright lie. I simply have little to gain by making things up. Instead I deflect, omit and evade...right?

Some times it works, some times not so much. Here's some recent questions posed by my 4.5 yr old:

What does the tooth fairy do with all the teeth she buys from kids?

Why do girls wear panties but boys wear underwear?

Why does Lucy lick her butt?

When will I be taller than you?

Why do Fairy Godmothers have wings?

Why do sharks live in the ocean?

Why does Daddy like beer?

How EXACTLY do Doctors get babies out of mamas' bellies?

He's got me here. It's the use of the word 'exactly' that will force me to tell the truth.

I used to just tell him that babies came out because Doctors helped mamas. TRUE. When asked how they helped, I said they had special medicine. TRUE.

But exactly how, well, exactly how I'm not even entirely sure myself.

I'm mentally scrolling through possible responses when I recall my friend Traci telling me to just defer things to more complicated terms, like 'birth canal'. Ok, here goes:

All mamas have a special body part called a birth canal inside where you can't see and the babies come out of the birth canal.

Ha. Good right?

NO.NO.NO.

Foresight could have anticipated this question:

What's a canal?

What? A canal. Oh, um, it's like a channel. Yes, lets go with that. It's like a channel.

QUIET. QUIET. QUIET.

Like on the TV?

Right now, I'm staring at the "i" button on my fancy new car. I know that if I push that button, an honest to goodness, real live person will come on the line asking me what kind of "information" I'm seeking...it's really really tempting to see how THEY handle these questions.

The Joys Of Paper Crafting

2011-01-22T20:21:00.001-05:00

Best idea ever: paper, scissors, glue, glitter, tape. That's fun right? And then I showed Isaac how to make cut out hearts. I do not exaggerate to say HOURS of entertainment.

Word on the street is that this is more fun than xBox.

That's huge.

This quickly becomes a Valentine's crafting party with all of us getting in the cutting action to make hearts for our friends/family....until Isaac decides he wants to make an Arsenal shield for his dad.

If you're not in the know, I think he's got it down

A 15 Point Letter To The Cat

2011-01-22T09:21:00.003-05:00

Dear Molly Meowy,

I'd like to provide you with a list of house rules:

1. You are not allowed to sleep on my head. Any attempt to smoother my face will result in being flung far across the room.

2. You are not allowed to attempt to bury yourself under the covers with me. I don't appreciate being pawed at.

3. Eating of house plants results in vomit. Leave the plants alone. You'll find yourself sprayed with a squirt bottle if you are unable to resist.

4. On the topic of vomit: no one here is interested in eating your food. Well, actually the dog is, but that's why we've put the food up. You can take your time. Stop inhaling it and then puking it up.

5. I do not allow ANYONE to groom themselves sitting on my lap, or in immediate proximity to me. Lick yourself in private.

6. I have grown tired of searching for you in closed cupboards and cabinet drawers. If you see a door or drawer accidentally left open, please do not wedge yourself inside for a nap. You will find you get shut in there & need to be rescued after we finally track down the source of your meows.

7. When you see the children coming after you, please run. Just run. I appreciate your willingness to be carried around by the scruff of your neck, the tail, basically any body part that our 16 month old can grasp, but for the love it all, just run.

8. Stay off the countertops. Off the tables, off the dining room buffet. You keep knocking things over and it's getting expensive.

9. Leave the dog alone. She does not want to cuddle with you and she does not want to share her bone.

10. Sneaking into the garage & sleeping in the wheel well of the cars will result in sudden, painful and messy death.

11. The windows are made of glass. For you, at 7.5 pounds, they are unbreakable. No matter how many times you try, you will never get a bird by lunging at them.

12. Keep the litter in the litter box. It is not necessary to spray it OUT of the door or cover.

13. Yelling at me during nap time makes me less likely to want to snuggle with you. I understand you've sensed a pattern here, but continually rushing from me to the bed and back again during nap time won't make me get there any faster. Actually it'll annoy me that your taking such liberties as to howl at me to hurry up.

14. 4 am is not an accept hour for play. I am allowed to move around in my own bed. My feet under the covers are not for you to pounce on & attempt to wrestle. It's time for sleep.

15. Bother someone else. Anyone else. If you are apt to disregard these rules, as I suspect you are, then please, please, explain to me why you let my husband sleep in peace. His side of the bed is the same as mine, give it a try.

Sincerely,

Frustrated Cat Owner

Too Pretty For Work

2011-01-18T15:08:00.001-05:00

My new motto. I showed my husband who wisely, and sincerely responded

I'd say what you do is hard work all day long...

My Partner In Crime

2011-01-17T20:28:00.005-05:00

Tis the time of the year for preschool registration...Edie's too little to start preschool, but Isaac's school does offer programming for toddlers aged 2. I've hemmed & hawed about what I was going to do..

All it really took to help me make the decision on Edie...after of course months of talk about if Isaac should stay in preschool or start Kindergarten (gasp) this fall was realizing that I'm talking about something that will happen when Edie's 2...she just turned 1, this IS a ways away. But, but, but...2 years old?

As in she will be 2 this fall!?

My baby. 2.

So she's not going to any toddler programming.

She's staying home with me.

Isaac will be at school all day MWF and Edie & I are going to kick it around town.

We're going to be partners in crime.

We're going to do crazy things like toddler gymnastics, maybe an overpriced Gymboree class, toddler tap or ballet, storytime at the library, and if I'm ambitious enough I'll even shave my legs next winter & take a Mom/Me swim class. Or perhaps we'll spend our days taking walks, reading books and lounging around the house....she's not going to be all giggles & chase forever...

The point is, I'm not putting her in a program until I get more time with her. Who wouldn't to spend all day with her?

Valentine's Day Finery

2011-01-15T18:49:00.000-05:00

Who says your Valentine's Day outfit needs to be red, pink, or purple? I think she'll look like a perfect little Queen of Hearts...

Ghost Stories

2011-01-14T10:14:00.002-05:00

My son has started telling ghost stories. And by this I mean, like real sitting around a campfire in the woods at night ghost stories. At least by my woosie standards.

It all started when I asked him who could have moved something I was looking for if it wasn't me, wasn't him and wasn't Edie.

His response?

Oh, it must have been that bad guy I've been seeing around the house?

What?

You know, that really spooky bad guy that's been coming around here....

And his voice is suddenly taking on an eerie tone...

He begins to tell me all about this bad guy, named ELR Bad Guy who lives at 8679 Main Street off the downtown square. Apparently if you try to find him in his house, you'll never get out again.

What? Tell me more.

ELR Bad guy wears big black boots and he's kind of a skeleton and he tries to hurt people & it's up to us to stop him. You'll know he's near by because his bones creak when he walks....

And suddenly, he tells me to hush, and in a whisper says

Shh, I think he's here. I think he's here in our house mama. What should we do?

Crap, I don't know. I don't think this is funny. It's dark outside & your dad isn't home. Move on, move on to bunnies and kittens.

The next night he brings it up again....I'm in the middle of making dinner and Isaac suddenly runs to the front window yelling

I see him, I see him! His car just drove by! ELR Bad Guy is in the neighborhood! He's here, he's going after someone.

Ok, I don't think this is funny at all. Let's move on, despite your reassurances of protection, I find this type of spooky bad guy in the 'hood talk disturbing. I don't like things that go bump in the night and I don't like talking about them. I'm glad you have an active imagination and obviously great powers of storytelling.

Apparently we won't be watching Scooby Doo anymore because these stories have the ring of bad guy/sherriff in town hiding behind curtains and doors from those meddling kids.

I Heart NY

2011-01-10T21:21:00.002-05:00

Ah, 4 days of being a grown up...I left for NYC without the aid of drugs.

Yes, it's true, I did pop a pill in the bathroom of the airport ONLY after having a complete breakdown in my driveway at 4.58 am contemplating actually just pulling back in to the garage and climbing into bed. And I was required to continually call my father to talk me off the ledge....and it was a safe bet to assume he was up at such an hour.

It didn't help matters when my flight was delayed, I missed my Chicago connection and was ultimately last minute transferred to a new airline and put on a nonstop flight to La Guardia getting me in to the City earlier than my originally scheduled time.

But I survived, I lived to tell the tale of traveling on an airplane without my children. Can you imagine such a thing?...

So what did I do with my free time? I can tell you what I DIDN'T do:

I didn't go anywhere with small children. I avoided them like the plague.

I didn't cut up anyone's food but my own at dinner time.

That was the goal....what I did do was:

Went to a grown up museum

Had fabulous grownup food

Rode trains, subways and taxi cabs

Walked the streets until my pinkie toe hurt so much I was forced to buy 3 new pair of shoes

Stayed up well past midnight and slept in until well past 8 am

Had cocktails

Bought cupcakes from street vendors

Had terrible terrible Chinese food

Got a manicure

Saw a Broadway play (American Idiot, in which the lead singer of Green Day, Billy Joe Armstrong was performing in for the weekend!)

And of course, most importantly spent delicious time with a dear friend who made me realized just how much I miss her

I honestly am able to say that I did NOT miss my children. Oh of course, hearing how baby Isaac's voice sounds on the phone pulls a heart string or two, but I really didn't long to be near them. I knew they were in good hands just as much as I knew I needed to have fun.

I was undoubtedly excited to see them when I got back...my returning moved Isaac to tears and Edie attempted to pry him off me while screaming a new word "MOMMY" instead of my beloved "MAMA" (which I prefer to be spoken with a southern drawl).

My homecoming was however short lived. It's back to daily grind, completed with a NWA shutdown due to 1 inch of snow.

While housebound today my son & I really had it out. A nice honest to goodness illogical fight with a 4.5 year old...where somewhere along the line he's discovered the ability to wound with insults.

The best he could do? He told me I was

Not Cool
Not Pretty
And Very Bossy

A quick poll of area friends confirmed that he's only right on 1 account as it was unanimously decided by my "friends" here that I am cool, I am pretty, but my son is indeed spot on to refer to me as bossy.

Ha. Bossy, fine. But at least I know I'm bossy enough to convince myself to get on a plane to take a vacation.

Beautiful Fall (or is it Winter Day)

2011-01-05T19:28:00.000-05:00

Spent a beautiful afternoon outside with my new camera and the kids before I jump on a plane for NYC tomorrow morning!

When You're Out of TP

2010-12-30T08:38:00.002-05:00

I'm cleaning up in the morning & I get to Isaac's bathroom & am perplexed by what happened in there during the night. And angry that my burglar alarm failed to detect what most have obviously been an intruder bent on causing mayham...

Isaac, what happened in your bathroom last night?

Well, I had to poop.

Ok....

And then I ran out of toilet paper.

Uh huh...

And you always tell me to make sure I do a good job wiping my butt....SORRY, I didn't mean to say butt...I mean, wiping my bottom so my undies stay clean. BUT I ran out of toilet paper.

I know, you said that already, so then what happened?

Well, then I had to use the towel by the sink. And that didn't work very well, so I had to use the big towels by the shower. See? Look, I got all the poop off myself!!

Ah. Yes. Yes, I do see.

I'm grateful Santa showed up with a Steam Washer & Dryer set that has a hot steam sanitizing feature...and thankful Isaac didn't feel the need to using the floor rugs or shower curtain to clean himself up.

Surgery Day

2010-12-27T19:45:00.002-05:00

Baby girl is having blocked tear duct surgery on both eyes tomorrow morning at a bright & early 6 am. Good thing I'm confident that we'll already be awake at that hour with her current sleeping schedule.

Nothing like being ready bright & early to have a wire stuck down your tear duct far enough until they pop a hole at the bottom of it is there?

Home For the Holidays...

2010-12-25T20:31:00.000-05:00

We might have stayed home for the holidays, but we weren't at a loss for entertainment. 4 nights of holiday parties, dinner tonight at a neighbors that required little effort on my part and 1 truck load of cardboard recyling later and I'll call Christmas 2010 a pretty fun time...minus a dead car battery, 2 days of Edie vomitting and my pants fitting too tight....

Like Butta

2010-12-21T20:35:00.000-05:00

Oh if a picture is worth a thousand words....of course he has his moments, but before we began decorating cookies tonight he said

Mama, I'd like to say a prayer first to God:

Dear God, thank you for the wonderful cookies to decorate and the glorious Christmas carols that my wonderful Mama is playing for us.

Oh if my heart didn't melt....

Pretend?

2010-12-20T16:11:00.000-05:00

Let's just pretend that this is my son, and I'm the tall guy with the dark hair who spent the morning mountain biking the B-ville trail system with Rob Walton & GW rather than my friend AV's son & hubby.

Still an awesome pic...that is completely lost on a 4 yr old.

Da Boyz

2010-12-20T16:05:00.001-05:00

Why do I hear Nuthin But a G Thang Baby playing in the background? Albeit with 3 white boys in the 'burbs, in the Christmas finery...

Molly Meowy

2010-12-19T10:10:00.000-05:00

We do silly things on the weekend when we're bored. Foolish things without really thinking through the long term effects of our actions.

Enter Molly Meowy stage right:

Now we've been kicking around the idea of a cat for about a year now. Lucy has always been our excuse...until Thanksgiving when my neighbor kept her for us, at her house, with her cat. She'd text me pictures of the 2 of them together. Really? My coonhound? Sitting next to a cat?

Sure enough, get a cat in the house & Lucy's fine. Put that same cat outside and it's a different story...so far so good at our house too. Lucy is indifferent, interested, but no big deal. Molly Meowy just watches her and goes about her business with one eye on Lucy.

So we found Molly Meowy at a rescue cat adoption fair and home she came...she's loving, playful and happy with the kids. She sprints after feather toys the kids have to Isaac's delight & Edie's terror...E opts to hold the toy straight up in the air & shriek in terror as the cat pogo sticks up & down trying to get it. We have a large play tunnel that the 3 of them go through all day long in this orde: Isaac, Edie, Molly Meowy, repeat. I'll confess that I haven't yet come across a cat that seems to be an active participant in child's play.

So far, so good. But check back with me about my thoughts in 10 years...

Nothing Under The Tree For Me

2010-12-17T08:48:00.003-05:00

I enjoy seeing a beautifully decorated tree overflowing with presents underneath it.

That's not happening this year...I'm thinking Christmas 2015 we'll be able to have wrapped gifts under the tree AND be able to trust everyone in the house not to unwrap them until the 25th.

So packages have started arriving and I'm just leaving them in their cardboard shipping boxes until Christmas morning--regardless of if I know what's inside is wrapped or not. It's safer that way...

But we did take the time last night to do our own wrapping and toy assembly because you KNOW you don't give a kid an unassembled toy requiring 97 batteries that you don't happen to have on hand.

And it's a good thing we did seeing as it took Mr. A about 25 trips to the garage in search of tools and 10 times pointing out that instruction manuals ARE included...

After discussion with friends we've learned a lot about how other people handle Santa...it's been interesting to learn about different traditions and try to figure out what we want to do.

Some of the ideas out there:

Santa only brings 1 gift,
Santa brings all gifts,
Santa brings you 'a wish, a want, and a need' line of thought to
'Baby Jesus got 3 Presents on Christmas Day from the Wise Men, so Santa brings 3 presents'.

And we are sticking with the "Santa Brings You 3 Presents"...So they each have 3 presents in SPECIAL SANTA PAPER and the rest are in different holiday wrap from us.

And I'm not letting Santa get all the credit for the most awesome gifts...although, at this age, size does matter, so Santa is bringing the big, awesome things that just can't be wrapped in their assembled form: a new Radio Flyer Big Wheel & a Razor scooter...

To Someone's Ears

2010-12-15T19:32:00.005-05:00

Allowing him to set things like this up is how I get things done during the day...and you won't see any pics of Edie because some idiot (me) showed her what it looks like on the mini screen on the back of the camera. Now all she wants to do is see instant pics/vids of the 'baby'.

I Don't Keep Crazy In The Closet

2010-12-13T15:37:00.004-05:00

I am still filled with bah humbug and slowly losing my mind. The nice thing about this however is that I choose to share the loosing of my faculties outloud--I don't keep my crazies in the closet.

I find it to be both theraputic and entertaining. Theraputic in that I realize I'm not as crazy as I think I am and entertaining to learn that people I thought were normal are actually crazy.

My week has been filled with 4 holiday parties, 2 of which were at my house, and 2 of which forced me to incur $80 worth of babysitting services to spend time with people I really don't care about. Scratch that, I mean people my husband works with.

In between all of this I have had one hell of a nasty dental appointment that was done at a "Dental Arts" office where the entire procedure was done with a camera in my mouth, broadcasting live on a 20+ inch screen above me.

Let me tell you this, this was one of the most effective tools I have ever seen. It made me want to empty my bank account & give this dentist every last cent to fix every possible problem.

For example, he tells me I have a cavity, but rather than showing me a shaded spot on a B/W Xray, I'm seeing it live, in color, enlarged. Good God, fix that thing. But it had nothing on seeing what a 10+ year old silver filling looks like when it causes fractures in your tooth and then begins leaking silver into said tooth turning it GRAY!!

Holy crap.

But what tops that is the broken crown on the opposite side of my mouth that has caused my gum to be infected and a round of antibiotic irrigation procedures. I OPTED FOR THE CAMERA TO BE TURNED OFF FOR THIS PART OF THE PROGRAM.

It's an honest to goodness miracle that I'm able to eat all the cookie from my cookie exchange I hosted last night....

But back to the crazies. I have been having complete paralyzing, need to throw up, sick to my stomach, going to burst into tears, freeze me immobile anxiety attacks. So much so that I had to see a Dr about this who assured me that I am not losing my mind.

Why am I flipping out? Because I'm going to NYC for a fun girls trip for 4 days.

Yeah, big deal right?

Except that to get there, I have to get on a plane, alone.

Yeah, me, on a plane, alone. Sounds like heaven right? And why all of a sudden am I freaking out about flying on a plane when I actually am on one about every 6-8 weeks??

Oh, I didn't mention that I'm pretty certain that my plane is going to crash leaving my children motherless where they will have to go into daycare, be estranged from their workaholic father and grow up to be disenfranchised, disturbed adults with no memory of me whatsoever?

CAN YOU SAY CONTROL ISSUES??

So after a few weeks of watching my insomnia, my incessant conversations trying to rationalize cancelling the trip all together and forcing my husband to put together an 'action plan' for what exactly he will do when my plane crashes, I decided to confess to my friends how I was feeling, for them to talk me off my ledge...

And it turns out, when I went in to see my doctor, she said I wasn't crazy at all.

That I'm suffering from 'situational anxiety' and she sent me on my way with a presciption for chill pills with instructions to pop one of the little darlings when I'm feeling overwhelmed about the trip and at the very least, to take one before I leave for the airport so that I will actually have the willpower to walk down the jetway without throwing up.

Now I haven't actually taken any (yet) but I am feeling completely more empowered to know that I have a stash in my medicine cabinet in case I begin freaking out about my own mortality.

And I try, try, try not to think about the kicker it would be if these feelings were actually a gut premonition of something bad happening on the plane as it's going down....the pain in my mouth is helping distract me considerably.

seriously delayed

2010-12-12T15:02:00.000-05:00

I'm seriously delayed in going through beach pictures...the only reason I'm really getting to it now is to make room on my camera to take pics at Isaac's holiday program tonight...

Bleck. Bleck. Blah.

2010-12-06T08:47:00.002-05:00

I'm shaking off the Bah Humbugs today:

I spent the past 4 days in bed with a stomach bug. Bleck right there. My husband was wonderfully enough to stay home on Friday so I could bond with the toilet, over a platter of saltines & a liter of 7 Up.

I like to be positive, so I look at this as a great pre-holiday diet....

She's Not Sitting On His Lap

2010-11-30T08:17:00.003-05:00

Santa was at the big W yesterday...Isaac patiently waits in line to tell Santa what he wants....I stood off to the side with my daughter who was SOBBING & SHRIEKING HYSTERICALLY.

The sounds coming out of her mouth only escalated when Isaac got next to the guy in red and continued until we left the scene.

She calms down and we continue on our way. Mr. A goes one way with her, I go another. He reports the SHRIEKING suddenly started again as he turned down an aisle....he turned around to see if Santa was following them, perhaps by chance, on his way for a break?

Nope.

The reason for her hysteria was obvious as she began lunging out of the cart....to get a massive display of babydolls.

She's 1 and she's flipping out for dolls. Can you imagine if they'd been down the Barbie aisle? Gasp.

Crumple. Crumple. Crumple.

What's that? That's the sound of me squishing up my graduate degree in Women's Studies.

Wheesh.

There, I just tossed it out the window.

Girls like dolls. Boys like to tear the limbs off of dolls. I get it now nature v. nurture.

Google It For Yourself...

2010-11-29T15:11:00.002-05:00

Children are predictable right? Things happen more or less at the same times for most kids...so I'm really really really thrilled to report that Isaac is apparently entering into a "midyear transition"....I'm pleased to discover that according to human development researchers that there's only one more BIG one to go through at 5.5yrs old (before puberty that is).

I'm distraught to discover that the development growth phase at age 4.5 is pretty much the worst one.

Now I like all this academic mumbo jumbo. I like the theories behind things. I like understanding what's happening. Or I did. I'm taking a hiatus from that 'liking' right now because this, this isn't helpful:

This is the age when he calls you "poo-poo head" 10 times in a row and laughs outrageously every time, only to turn indignant when you tell him to take his potty mouth to the bathroom and talk to himself.

So yes, I'm probably going to end up at the bookstore getting some more self help books, or I'm going to start dressing like a cowboy.

Yes, a cowboy. That's right. I think the cowboy persona might be really effective if today was any indication:

I'm at Dr. appt 1 of 4 scheduled for the week this am and while checking out, I said, TWICE, "Isaac you need to stop and wait for me"....not working.

In walks an honest to goodness cowboy with a West Texas drawl, wranglers, boots, belt buckle, hat and handle bar mustache and he blocks the door and says, REEEAAALLL slow

Boy, you need to stop right there. Your mama is calling your name and you need to listen to her. NOW GIT.

Man, I've never seen hustle like I saw hustle today. Damn Gina my son was velcro to my side the rest of the time there.

Now, I could choose to be mortified that a stranger was reprimanding my child; obviously I'm not since I'm writing about it. I subscribe to the 'village' mentality anyway--you got any ideas, I'll listen, because I'm just about fresh out and I'm either going to just ride this out for the next 6 months, or start dressing like a ranch hand...

Herding Cats

2010-11-28T10:00:00.000-05:00

I think it might have been easier if I had been asked to do an advanced multivariate statistical regression--by hand--than to get 4 children & 2 adults to sit for a photo....rather than frame the nice ones, I think I'll put together a collage of all the outtakes...

Liar Liar, My Pants Are On Fire...

2010-11-18T14:27:00.003-05:00

I lie. Plain & simple. I tell lies.

Everyone does--not everyone admits it however. Not that it makes it ok if you do admit to lying--why lie at all if you're just going to confess later on anyway right? But generally speaking, every single person tells lies.

I accept this about myself--the telling of lies. Little lies. Not big lies.

Actually when I think about it, they aren't even really lies. I don't make things up. I don't fabricate truths. Rather, I prefer to mislead, to avoid answering questions, to answer questions with a question, to throw people off track.

Let me give you an example from my way long ago past:

I used to keep a pair of pajamas in the car with me when I was in high school. Not so that I was prepared for a spontaneous sleep over, but so I was prepared to mislead if you will.

I knew my dad would be 'waiting up for me'. By this I mean to say, I knew that he would have fallen asleep on the couch in the family room watching TV--a room I would have to cross to get to my own room from the garage. I knew that the odds were decent that the sounding of the door shutting could wake him and I could be busted for returning home after my curfew.

So I would simply pull in my garage stall & change into my pajamas.

I would then enter the house and purposely make noise.

As predicted, he would awaken with a start, look at the clock, look at me and ask

What time is it? Are you just getting home now?

Dad, I'm in my pajamas. I'm just getting a snack.

See? See how that was done?

I didn't say outloud a lie. I simply didn't answer his question and the words I spoke were the truth. I was in my pajamas and I was getting a snack.

I find that I haven't outgrown this habit of misleading people. Of not answering questions, of letting others intrepret my answers to suit their needs.

I realized this earlier when Isaac confessed to a newfound fear of sharks. Not a good time as we're about to get on a plane to go to the OCEAN.

He's suddently telling me all the things we can't do at the beach because of the SHARKS that are in the ocean. He's looking at me for reassurance on this but what I am to say to a 4 yr old?

I simply tell him that very dangerous sharks live off the coast of South Africa. I show him where this is on a map. I show him how far Florida is from S. Africa. I tell him that it's a long way for dangerous sharks to swim from S. Africa to Florida.

THIS IS THE TRUTH. All of it is.

The waters off of South Africa are a haven for Great Whites (so says the Discovery Channel's Shark Week) and we've all seen the photos of the sharks becoming airborne off of Seal Island over there...and it would be along way to swim by any standards across the Atlantic Ocean.

I'm not sure how long I can continue down this path. I'll end up raising skeptical, suspicious children, always looking for the cues that something isn't on the up & up. Or, I'll end up with children who are very perceptive people that you can't get much past.

Either way, for right now, it's getting my son in the ocean & I'll be praying there's not a bull shark cruising the shallows.

I Shun You. All Of You & Your Germs.

2010-11-16T18:31:00.007-05:00

There have been antibiotics in our house since September 17.

It started with a blistered ear drum on Isaac's part. 10 days of antibiotics.

We morphed into 3 ear infections in October for Edie....it ended in tubes for her on Oct 21. 20 straight days of antiobiotics for her, followed by another 4 in her ears for the tubes.

I went on meds for pneumonia.

Eye drop prescription for Edie for blocked tear ducts came last week.

Edie's had 5 straight weeks of snot, so I take her in a few days ago because enough really is enough. Isaac was at the appt with us and he LOVES LOVES LOVES to get examined too, so my healthy kid is getting checked out after the Doc tells me the only thing wrong with E is allergies.

Enter Singular.

She then turns to me and informs me that my *healthy* kid is the one I should have made the appointment for--he has strep. 10 days of antibiotics.

E begins going through diapers like they're out of style. Turns out excess nasal drainage can cause the runs. Decide it's time to just clear out her sinuses. Enter antiobiotics for 10 more days. Oh, and incidentally, it causes the runs too.

So this fall has been a wash of drugs and poo. Drugs & poo. Thank goodness I've found a pharmacy that delivers for $2....we're on a first name basis right now.

My only recourse is obviously to move to the woods. I will shun civilization and live in a shack, keeping people & their nasty germs away from us.

However, my husband has pointed out that you can't control the size of your ear canal re: ear infections any more than I can control the pollen count...

Logic isn't what I'm seeking...

You Can Read?

2010-11-11T14:54:00.003-05:00

Isaac look at this turtle (we're at the petstore).

Mama, that's not a turtle, that's a tortoise.

I glance at the sign, which obviously I should have done before, and see that he is indeed correct.

How did you know that was a tortoise?

I can read mama. I'm 4.

Hmpf. Oh yeah?

What's that sign say over there?

Dog food.

Hmpf again. Either he really can read, or his powers of deductive reasoning rival my own.

Ok, that was an easy one.

What about that sign there?
It says, buy me for Christmas for your dog and cat. Emphasizing each word.

Nope. Ha! Gotcha, you can't read!

It says "clearance"...but the boy is pretty spot on. I've thought about what the world would be like if you couldn't read--just saw a 76 yr old woman on the news who was learning to read for the 1st time...how is this even possible? How did she function?

Only takes a second to reflect back on foreign travel, including countries where they don't even use the same alphabet I do to realize you can get around decently without knowing a single word.

As Isaac pointed out, the big billboard near our house says
Don't pee & poop in your pants. Use the Potty.

I don't correct him.

Changing It Up

2010-11-10T09:48:00.002-05:00

My husband believes that perhaps we've been so sick around here because we're not eating healthy enough. Maybe, maybe not. I'm pretty confident that we eat better than 90% of the US--both in terms of the abundance of food in our home and the nutritional content of it.

I am however, willing to experiment, to make changes, to try new things. The latest things to be on the drawing board? I've signed up for a local organic fruit & veggie delivery service. Now, I'm not a huge organic fan, I can take it or leave, I usually let price dictate what I buy. However, I did price shop this company with my local store, using organics where available and this little delivery outfit came ahead about 25%...including the $2 delivery fee.

So tomorrow, I'm expecting 35 pounds of produce. Yeah, 35 pounds. That's the mid size...I have no idea what to expect. But we're going to see...

Next, my husband has challenged me to eliminate white flour.... & my trainer who is convinced my belly skin will tighten right up once it's out of our diet.

Now, I actually think this is a really easy one. Off the top of my head the only thing I can think of that I can't get whole wheat is the kid's nutrigrain cereal bars...but I'm willing to find a substitute for them. Or just eliminate those nasty things all together.

Next challenge? Fish 3-4 times per week. Again easy---the problem however is lack of variety. I can think of 20 varieties of fish I'd like to eat, with only 6-7 of them being readily available at any given time in my local butcher.

And so my plan this week is to dig up/find a handful of easy new recipes for fish and veggies. Got any?

End of An Era?

2010-11-07T12:16:00.003-05:00

I'm not always on top of the trends...actually I'm probably considerably behind. But I'm not a shopper, I'm not a fashionista, I'm not technically inclined or up on the latest gadgets. I don't even have a single magazine subscription...So this really isn't a surprise...

Let's take Facebook & white ceramic boyfriend watches. I've recently decided that I like those big white watches, even more the ones with tiny diamonds encrusting the face. But they've been out for awhile now, so would I be getting something trendy too late? As in, January would find a different color watch in style? Or would that not matter because I'd be content with my white one? What to do?

I see today that the Queen of England just joined Facebook. I obviously am swimming upstream as I deleted my Facebook account last week. Yeah, I know, I might as well disconnect my TV too right?

Well, I had my reasons--valid ones ranging from
1) it's an addicting time waster;

2) I really don't need to know what someone I haven't spoken to since high school is doing or where they are checking into at that exact moment;

3) I really don't want random people I am 'friends' with knowing my daily status, so I found I censored myself on my own account;

4) I don't like feeling obligated to accept a friend request from acquaintances and then feel awkward when they ask why I haven't accepted them;

5) I really do spend too much time on the computer;

6) FB yielded little gains for me: I never got a free latte from friending Starbucks or some other company and I really don't care if your kid got an A on the spelling bee

7) I don't like how people are using it as a means to disseminate important information--what ever happened to a phone call?

8) Kind of annoying to know that people aren't posting 'real' things, just the shiny happy stuff--either that or I know an ungodly amount of 'glass half full' people who really do sing the praises of their lives constantly.

9) Most of the people who show up on my newsfeed I see every day. So I already knew their news anyway

10) I really truly want to spend less time online. I'm not updating the blog as much. I dropped the data package down on my phone to a lower level. I moved my laptop out of my kitchen and into my office.

So if you find you miss my online presence-- That you can't stand not to know what we're up to, I'm going to suggest something radical. Call and ask.

Because I'm going to be spending more time playing on the floor with my kids, getting dirty in the sandbox, riding bikes, kicking leaves, making cookies & sipping hot cocoa. I'm just not sure if I'll be wearing a white watch or not...

Torture in Toyland

2010-11-06T13:22:00.000-04:00

Last night was the annual Walmart & Vendor Toyland....basically takes up several city blocks of all the toy vendors setting up hands on booths displaying the latest & greatest toys for the holidays...and the kids to get to play with all the stuff...

It only involved 30 min beforehand in explaining to Isaac that NOTHING was for sale. We were not going to buy anything. We were there only to look, touch, play, SHARE.

Of course we spent most of our time on the Thomas stuff....& obviously he's added a 4 wheeler/jeep to his list as well.

Say It Ain't So

2010-11-02T22:41:00.005-04:00

I must have a very short memory, either that, or I lived a very sheltered life. Which by the way, I think kids should lead a sheltered life.

But try as I may, the big bad ugly world of MEAN LITTLE KIDS keeps cropping up.

I don't remember my childhood being filled with nastiness--granted, I've always been likeable...and I'd like to think that Isaac is too. I mean, he's a sweet sweet sweet boy. He's funny, he's kind, he's emphathetic.

Of all the things I could list about him, he's not stupid. Not in the least bit. And I know that the evil little girl who called him stupid on the playground probably doesn't even know what it means. So what does that make her? Ok, this is not about calling names, and I'm neither the pot nor the kettle, so I'll get back on point.

So to preface this, Isaac got his first yellow circle of the school year.

HELLO. It's NOVEMBER...this ROCKS. 10 weeks of school and he's just NOW got a 'warning' for the day? ~~We are totally doing something right.~~ We have totally lucked out.

So I read the note from his teacher that says he was in trouble for hitting today. So let's talk...

Who did you hit?

I don't know.

You don't know who you hit?

No.

As in, you don't know their name?

Nope.

Ok, did you hit Grayson or Caleb?

NO! I never hit my best friends.

Ok, that's actually really good. So, let's back up. What made you want to hit someone?

It was Reese. She told me I was stupid and that she hated me.

Dang. Ok, where is this chick? I want to hit her too.

What? She said that you were stupid? And that she hated you?

Yep. (Bottom lip is now out and tears are on eyelids).

Well, you know to go & tell the teacher when people say things like that.

She said I can't tell. That she'll say I am lying. That it's our secret that I'm stupid.

Hold on, hold on, hold on. Is this girl 4? Or does she have really mean older sisters because WTF kind of 4 year old says shit like this?

So I'm still not clear on who he hit, but he's still in good with his best buddies and I'll probably need to go & get a self help book tomorrow to make sure that I know the right way to rebuild his self esteem.

An Indecisive Youth

2010-11-01T19:51:00.000-04:00

Why decide what to be for Halloween when you have trunk full of costumes? One day Darth, the next Wolverine, then Buzz....all of course accompanied by a 'lil Piggy...and no, I'm not referring to my chocolate problem...

Ah...nothing like a little bathtime awkwardness

2010-10-23T16:03:00.003-04:00

I & E are in the tub together...I'm loosely watching them (yet am in the same room)....I hear my son holler

Hey, mama, come look at my penis. It's bigger!

Well. This should be a great conversation.

With a sigh, I turn to face him and see a huge grin across his face as he points to show me that he's placed the plastic cup I use for hair rinsing over his goods.

Look, it's bigger! Ha! Just kidding! It's just a cup! Now my penis is small again. I don't like having a small penis mama. I want a bigger penis.

For the love of God I am challenged to keep a straight face during this monologue.

What really can be said to this boy? In the interest of positive self esteem, I simply inform him that his penis is just the right size for him. And how about the weather...let's talk about the weather.

Of course, this prompts an outpouring of questions

How big is your penis?
How big is Edie's penis?

I'm forced to remind him that girls, like myself & Edie, don't have penises....the only other male in our house is now obviously fair game, so the dear boy asks

How big is Daddy's penis?

And before I can respond, he answers his own question with

Oh, I know. I bet Daddy's penis is just the right size, huh?

If only my husband knew what we talk about while he's at work....

The Importance of a Hair Cut: Isaac-isms Part One

2010-10-20T15:30:00.001-04:00

I was explaining to Isaac why it was important that he gets a hair cut...I tell him he doesn't want to end up looking like a hooligan. This of course prompts the question what's a hooligan?

Well, of course a hooligan is a person who breaks the rules, a person who doesn't do what he's supposed, a person who gets into fights and has no friends (right??)....

WIDE EYED & in a voice filled with AWE my child asks

Do they even cross the road without looking in BOTH directions?

Yes, my son. Hooligans even commit that serious offense.

I like that this is a big deal to him.

--------------------------------------

Isaac & Edie have one of those insta-pop up tents. Toss it out, it pops up and collapses down quickly. The two of them are playing WWF with the tent this am and in a fit of giggles, little Edie E runs into the side of it knocking it down while Isaac is still inside. It's really not a big deal, he just needs to crawl out.

But instead, he freaks. He panics. He's hysterical. I RESCUE him and he's sobbing about Edie needing a punishment for hurting him. I explain that she's a baby and it was an accident.

His response: She's just SO big and she's just SO strong. She can hurt me without even trying.

I really do try not to laugh, because it actually is kind of true....

Sometimes It's Just Hard To Be Good

2010-10-07T10:28:00.004-04:00

I understand that behavior--both good & bad--comes & goes. Sometimes you're good, sometimes you're not. A few weeks on, a few weeks off. I accept that it's a natural cycle.

And if you claim that your children are always good I'd purport that either you are a) delusional; b) possessing a short memory; or c) utilizing a nanny who handles all undesirable behavior for you; or d) don't have children old enough to get into trouble yet.

The past few weeks with Isaac have been good--he's been good. He's been fun. He's been a listener. He's toed the line, wherever I've moved it.

However there have been small indications the past few days that things are changing. Little small cues...like this morning when I told him to have a good day at school & he responded with

But mama, sometimes it's just SO HARD TO BE GOOD ALL THE TIME.

Making Up For Lost Time

2010-10-04T14:53:00.003-04:00

I don't like to be boastful, but my daughter is a good sleeper. She puts in her 3-5 hours of naps per day; she gets her solid 11-12 hours at night; she rocks the 'dump & run' method of bedtime routines....& she's done all of this since the word 'go'.

Not so much anymore. Baby girl is making up for lost time. She's waking up at 5.30 am, she's taking shorter naps and last night we put in our first official all nighter.

She cried, not cry cry, but 'boo hoo' cry once ever 12-17 minutes for 4 hours & 45 minutes last night...in her sleep, tucked in, bottom up in the air, eyes closed, boo hooing in her sleep.

Now I'd like to cut her some slack given her current ear situation so after a dose of tylenol, followed by a dose of Ibuprofen I decided to bundle myself up & sleep with her in my arms. She proceeded to boo hoo in her sleep while being held.

Obviously I can't sleep while holding a whimpering child...so I'm really crabby today because when I finally returned to my own bed at 5.15 this morning I knew I'd never get quality rest in 45 minutes before the alarm went off.

I wouldn't really be dreading the night already if we hadn't had this same thing happen on a shorter scale the night before, or if she'd taken longer than a 20 minute nap this morning.

So today I'm crabby. My baby is cranky, my dog ate my last brownie, my son has his energy back & why doesn't anyone just want to lay in bed & take naps all day?

Diaper Cake Part I

2010-10-01T09:13:00.000-04:00

I'm thinking I did a pretty fantastic job on my 1st attempt at a diaper cake for a baby shower I hosted last night. It only took 2 friends, 1 bottle of wine and 2 hours.**

**Note, if attempting a diaper cake alone & sober the time required for assembly with be cut dramatically.

And She's One...

2010-09-26T23:44:00.001-04:00

A friend has one of the most perfect yards for taking pictures. That, coupled with her desire to have copious amounts of photos taken of her own 10 month old results in frequent session of doll-baby dress up for the girls while the boys play & the moms then lunch.

It really is a great playdate--these were taken in celebration of Edie Elizabeth turning one. I can't get my head around all the things she's doing, despite not even weighing enough to have her car seat facing forward!

She walks, she climbs (up on to tables, out of her highchair), she dances, she has several words & coresponding signs (bath, ball, doggie, bye bye, more, milk, hi), she picks up sign language so quickly I'm constantly looking up new moves, she has a thing with shoes, she adores playing in her brother's room when he's at school, she rarely sits still (seems to be genetic) & she is just the sweetest little girl you'll ever come across...

Just Say Cheese

2010-09-26T23:36:00.000-04:00

I take pretty nice pictures....just a little viola, look at the camera, click click click.

Except that most of the time my children run from me screaming for me to stop. Even the one that can't talk....she walks away signing 'all done'.

I got to experience this today in public. With a stranger. Because it turns out that getting family portraits done by a professional is one of the best ways to torture yourself on a Sunday. It all sounded like a good plan--because I'm never in any of the photos. It's just not feasible to constantly be setting up the tripod, adjusting focus, lighting etc while herding cats. So today was an exercise in patience & not beating your children in public.

Of course as soon as the whole affair was done, my son declares that he actually WANTS his picture taken. And of course, I snap a new favorite all on my own...

You Say It's Your Birthday...

2010-09-25T11:07:00.000-04:00

A few quick pics of Edie E's 1st birthday...

Birthday Outfit

2010-09-19T19:47:00.000-04:00

Here's a look at the birthday outfit she'll be sporting at her party tomorrow!

Back In The Saddle On Your Special Day

2010-09-19T19:30:00.002-04:00

Isaac's getting a bit weepy about it being Edie's birthday this week...actually, let's correct that: He's getting a bit weepy about her having a P.A.R.T.Y.

Yep, Baby E is getting a party of her own tomorrow afternoon with 24 of our favoriate friends. Because she's going to turn ONE ON TUESDAY. I have no idea how this is possible that 9/21/2010 is rolling around so quickly.

So we decideded to call today "Isaac's Special Day"...got a sitter for E and Mr. A, Isaac & I spent the afternoon together at the lake & then took the boy to Sonic for slushes & his first ever order of tater tots...

It was a delightful afternoon (once we convinced Isaac that WE were going to have more fun than E was going to have with the babysitter) at the lake...we tubed--alot, Mr. A wakeboarded, but more importantly, after a 10 year hiatus I slalom skied...in a bikini.

Big day all around. Note to self for future reference...bikinis and waterskiing don't typically go well. And should not be paired together unless in the privacy of your own family.

So I've met my goals:

1) I wanted to get myself up on a ski. I kept using the excuses of 'oh, I'm the driver', or 'oh, I don't have a super special ski to use'. Rubbish now. I'll ski circles around you...as soon as I get the water out of my ear from a fantastic wipeout.

And

2) I wanted to wear a bikini by Edie's 1st birthday. Not just wear a bikini, but look good in a bikini. We all know anyone can wear a bikini. We also all know that many people who wear bikinis shouldn't. I didn't want to have those thoughts cross anyone's mind. And so PROJECT BIG REVEAL** was indeed revealed today when I left the house in my favorite, albeit neglected two-piece.

**Project Big Reveal is the code name for the reason why I run & pay a trainer to get into shape.

All Done

2010-09-12T20:37:00.001-04:00

Tried to get a few pictures before Edie's birthday of her wearing her birthday outfit....she was having none of it.

How do I know this? Because she's picked up on baby sign language--f.a.s.t. She's got 'more' down to an art, milk, bottle and ball are easy peasy for her....so quick on it that I might need to get out my sign book & learn a few more myself.

I was signing Sinatra's "New York, New York" to the kids the other day--Isaac's at the table covering his ears telling me rudely to stop, while Edie's just giggling away signing 'more'....guess who wins.

But back to the photos....about 30 seconds in to getting her picture taken, she takes off her shoes, walks away from me signing 'all done'. Yeah, 'all done.' What? We'd barely begun!

A Dress For Every Single Day

2010-09-09T20:21:00.002-04:00

Once again, I'm declaring a moratorium on clothes shopping for my children. Given that neither of them have been around all that long, it's absolute horrendous to see how many articles of clothing they both have.

Don't even me started on Edie & her dresses. It is simultaneously delightful and sickening to realize that she could go the entire month of December before needing to repeat a holiday dress.

All of this came about while searching for outfits for us to wear for family portraits at the end of the month--you know, the search to find coordinating outfits that don't makes us look too matchy/matchy, or too out of our comfort zone. Given the 27 different combinations I can put the kids in (and not to mention that her baptismal gown is now fitting her) this is no easy task.

And it's not really helping matters that Isaac has decided the following**:

1) He only wears soccer kits and/or shirts with numbers on them. Preferably numbers that are on the front. And medium sized numbers, not big ones or small ones. As most jerseys have numbers on the back, this results in him wearing most of his clothing backwards, despite the v in the neck.

2) He is also adamant he needs to wear this dark brown wool V-neck sweater all the time. Even to bed. With no shirt on underneath. It's causing me to itch right now.

**Note, these preferences became apparent moments after commenting to a friend that I don't have a problem dressing Isaac as he isn't picky about his clothes. I have not learned my lesson to never voice things such as this.**

Who Plays Video Games?

2010-09-04T21:02:00.001-04:00

Isaac is really into asking question about God right now. Where is God? What does God look like? Can God protect people when they are at work? When we go on vacation does God go with us or is God only in Arkansas?

So the convo goes like this tonight:

Is God in our house?

Yes, God is in our house.

Is God in this room?

Yes, God is in this room.

Is God upstairs?

Yes, God is upstairs.

Silence. Silence. Then, dead serious...

Is God upstairs playing video games?

Not Up For Debate

2010-09-04T14:18:00.000-04:00

We A.R.E a good looking family...